I'm Old

Along with such luminaries as Joe Namath, Brooke Shields, Lea Thompson and Clint Eastwood, it is also my birthday. I would like to add that all of those people are way older than me. No, I don't have anything big planned. In the words of the great pimp Rosebudd, I'll just do "a lot of little shit that I like done". Stuff like posting pictures of Tyra Banks for no good reason. Maybe I'll listen to The Pharcyde today. Perhaps I'll watch Showgirls: The 10th Anniversary Edition. Or go through an entire box of Grapeheads. The possibilites are endless.

Here We Go Again

Not wanting to fall behind VH-1 in the race for the most disgraceful reality show, MTV is back in the hunt by reuniting the cast of the most scandalous season ever of the Real World-- the Las Vegas cast. Ahhhh, the memories. And a lot of them came racing back as I watched Wednesday night's season premiere. I almost had a tear in my eye thinking of Brynn throwing a fork at Steven, Steven whining about it forever, Alton taking Iralan's pen to get some other girl's number, and so much more.

The show started with the cast reuniting in the same hotel suite where the original show was shot. It turns out that some of these folks hadn't spoken in four years. Who would have thought? The first sign of trouble started when the cast had to choose which room they would stay in. Irulan wanted to make sure that she wasn't with her former pal Aryssa, who is slowly turning into the cast's lead heel. Somewhere around this time, the girl for whom the term "reality TV skank" was invented, Trishelle, showed up. Also Brynn's husband (!) and kid (!!) arrived for a visit. Awwww, they're gonna ruin everything!

After the group had dinner and drinks together, Irulan and Aryssa got into a heated argument over something that happened four years ago, which couldn't possibly matter today. The producers had to be high fiving and hugging each other in the production room. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Frank brought home the first skank he could find that would agree to come back to a hotel with a guy she just met who has six roommates and a full camera crew. Romance! Irulan demanded a showdown with Aryssa and Alton to find out who was telling the truth about whatever happened four years ago. Then, "TO BE CONTINUED..."

First episode: A+. You know when Trishelle is on a show and she's just a background player, then you have a great show. Can't wait until next week.

Watch Out Spider-Man 3.....

Awww, looks like my baby is looking for a little attention. According to sohh.com:

"Mariah Carey aims to spoof herself and her life in the upcoming film short, Lovers & Haters.
The Spike Lee directed flick, to be produced by 40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks, is a spoof of the life of Carey, with the 'lovers and haters' that she encounters along the way, and how she overcomes those obstacles to still be one of the most talented and loved musical sensations in history. Carey worked alongside Benny Medina as executive producer on the 15 minute, $5 million film short. "

Wow, it must be nice to be able to piss away five million dollars on pure bullshit. I would have spent it on action figures and gum. But I guess she could be getting into more destructive things like shaving her head, drinking herself into multiple trips to rehab, or Glitter 2, I suppose.

Lindsay Back In Rehab

Thanks God. Firecrotch is seeking help again and reportedly is back in rehab after her DUI arrest last weekend. She is supposed to be in for 30 days. Someday when she is on the cast of Surreal Life 28, she will look back on all of this and laugh. Big question: is that vodka company still going to sponsor her big 21st birthday bash?

Maxim's Hot 100 Rebuttal: Upgrade

In response to Maxim magazine's recent Top 100 Hottest Women In The World list (topped by Firecrotch), I enlisted my good friend and noted authority on females, Upgrade, to give his own Top 10 List. And although his A.D.D. kicked in around #7, we do have this partial list for you:

1. Jessica Biel (above)

2. Kristal Marshall (WWE Diva)

3. Faith Hill (country singer)

4. Barbie Benton

5. Cheryl Ladd

6. Erin Gray (Kate from "Silver Spoons")

7. Valerie Bertinelli

Quite an impressive list. Some of it does seem to be stuck in 1982, however I still think it is more accurate than the Maxim list. I shall have my own picks, hopefully later this week.

Young Skanks On Parade

Our favorite drunk is at it again. According to several reports, Firecrotch (above) was arrested last night in Beverly Hills on suspicion of driving under the influence. In addition, cocaine was found in the car, although it might not be hers. Somebody needs to get this yamp a copy of Brand Nubian's "Slow Down", pronto. She's not only a danger to herself, but now she is a danger to society itself. I tell ya, this girl is probably outside of a beauty show right now, sobbing in the car, preparing to get her head shaved. All this girl needs is some guidance, some positive attention and a stern pimp slap from Kenny Red. She'd be on the straight and narrow in no time.

Above is the cover of the latest Blender magazine, which arrived in the mailbox last week. Isn't this the height of arrogance? Avril Lavigne thinks she's hot? Oh hells no! Why is this broad on the cover of my favorite magazine talking about she is hot, meanwhile she's out there looking like Ghost Rider? Amazing.

Thoughts on American Idol's Season Finale, Night Two

- I missed the top of the show while preparing my baked chicken. Gwen Stefani performed. Where's the black guy that says "Woooo Hoooo" on the chorus?

- Good to see that Kelly Clarkson and American Idol have patched up their differences. , are they expecting people to like, buy that song? Like on a CD? I would rather go out and buy "Since You Been Gone" again.

- Aw hell naw! Not the Big Bird Lady. That's it-- Blake is going to win. I can already see that this ain't black folk's night.

- Smokey Robinson totally overshadowed the male contestant's mediocre voices. I think he's had even more surgery since we last saw him. He has a permanent surprised look on his face; it's the same look that wrestlers have on WWE Smackdown everytime someone says "And your opponent tonight-- THE UNDERTAKER!".

-Blake didn't belong on the same stage with the World's Greatest Entertainer, Doug E. Fresh. I don't blame Doug E. for doing it though; if they had offered me 25 bucks, I would have showed up to be the hype man for Sanjaya. Anyway, they gave Blake just enough so he didn't stumble. Still he was fakin' and perpertratin'.

- Best segment so far is Gladys Knight kicking it with the girls. Why was Haley even there? I thought Melinda and Lakisha held their own with the legend.

- I hate the little fake awards segments but it was good to see the girl who jumped in the fountain and the guy who wore his pants up to his Adam's apple. Also nice to see that there is no more animosity between Simon and the Bush Baby. They had to cut his ass off though because you could tell that it started to get good to him.

- I liked Melinda's performance with BeBe and CeCe Winans. You could tell it was a really big moment for her. She shoulda won!!! I still think she will sell some records.

- Hmmmm, Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bra commercial-- it's like I'm actually running the network now.

- Is it just me or is Paula looking the old "Straight Up" Paula? The old "Vibeology" Paula. How can she look so different from last night? Maybe there are two Paulas. Drunken, accident prone Paula is tied up in a broom closet, meanwhile "Cold Hearted Snake" Paula is doing her thing at the judge's table.

- Carrie Underwood is still under the free pass that I gave her for showing up in Africa. Great performance!

- Please don't put the camera back on Smokey.

- After a mocking introduction, out came the man who almost single-handedly derailed the entire franchise, Sanjaya. Further confirmation that I was right about not getting tickets for this year's A.I. live concert. Sanjaya was backed by Joe Perry of Aerosmith and The Crying Girl. Doesn't she have school tomorrow? Surely she has a better use of her time than being humilated in front of a national TV audience and being a paid plant.

- Green Day was good. I'm pretty sure that guy dyes his hair.

- The Guy Who Won It Last Year came out and did a spirited performance of his new song. Not bad! He even brought out the harmonica. I had forgotten all about that. He was followed by Jordin and the damn near forgotten Ruben Studdard, who dueted on the Marvin Gaye/Tammy Terrell/Meth Tical/Mary J. classic "You're All I Need".

- After commercial, it's Bette Midler with "Wind Beneath My Wings", who was by herself for some reason. What did this have to do with the show? Isn't it time to announce the winner yet?

- Not quite. It's time for a tribute to Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart's Club Band. (Why?) Joe Perry is back. So is Kelly Clarkson. And her ass. Followed by Taylor Hicks. And the Underwood Girl. And Ruben. And the rest of this season's contestants. And finally the last commercial.

- Finally after the longest commercial break in history, after all of the stupid audition shows, Hollywood Week, Antonella posing in a World War II fountain, Paula's rambling satellite interview, Sanjaya-mania, Jennifer Lopez Week, Idol Gives Back, the Simon/Ryan Homophobia, the elimination of the show's best singer ever, and tired beatboxing, we finally have a winner: somehow common sense prevailed and Jordin was declared the winner. Instead of letting her go hug her family and friends though, they made her sing that wretched contest-winning song again. Fitting. I might be back next season.

Thoughts On The Idol Finale

Yeah, I broke down and watched just a bit. There wasn't much to the show. As a singing contest, it was pretty much one sided. If you like good singing, vote Jordin. If you like spikey hair, imitation beatboxing and shitty tattoos, by all means, vote for Blake. Other notes: It looked like Paula had aged twenty years since last week. She looked like hell and was as irritating as ever... As I've mentioned before, you can tell when a brother has lost it when he starts breaking out the Admiral jackets. Randy looked ridiculous. As my Dad put it: "Someone should just whup him"... It seemed like Simon was trying to subtly sway the audience to vote for Jordin... The show would have been a whole lot better with Melinda vs. Lakisha... I would have chosen Sanjaya's silly ass over Blake.

Off The Chain

Two of your girls got loose over the weekend. Paula Abdul's clumsy ass broke her nose. She claims that she lost her balance when she tried to avoid stepping on her dog. Yeah, that was probably it. Oh, and that fifth of Hen Dog that she drank for breakfast may have factored into it also.

And the nutcase pictured above apparently dipped into the sauce over the weekend as well. According to online reports, Britney fell off the wagon this weekend and was spotted drinking into the wee hours of the night. In addition, she did another one of her lame 15 minute lip synch "concerts" but this time the track skipped several times and the audience booed her. How in the world did it skip? Are these people still using vinyl albums? Somebody give this poor girl a CD or a cassette tape for Pete's sake. I swear, this broad is about four months away from performing at the DuQuoin State Fair next to the Fried Snickers bar stand.

Results From WWE Judgment Day

Results from last night's WWE Judgment Day pay-per-view show, live from The Scottrade Center in St. Louis, Missouri:

- Ric Flair beat Carlito by submission

- Lashley beat Umaga, Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon by pinning Shane

- C.M. Punk pinned Elijah Burke

- Randy Orton beat Shawn Michaels via referee stoppage

- Matt and Jeff Hardy beat Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch

- Edge pinned Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Title

- MVP beat Chris Benoit in two straight falls to win the WWE United States Title

- John Cena beat The Great Khali by submission to retain the WWE Title

More Pictures from Judgment Day Weekend

Me and one of my favorite wrestlers of all-time, Chris Benoit

Holla Holla: Me and Smackdown GM Teddy Long

Me and last month's Playboy covergirl Ashley Massaro

Good Lord: Me and Brooke*

Me and Paul London

* Not trying to be vulgar, but it should be noted for public record that Brooke has an ass that, quite frankly, is not of this world. Seriously, you could take her to the finest doctors and scientists in the world and they would come to this conclusion: "Man, I don't know what you've brought to me, but this ass is certainly not of THIS world". Then they would keep her in a lab for years, perplexed at how an ass could be that perfect. I haven't seen anything that perfectly round and compact since Miss Stewart brought out a globe of the earth in second grade.

Pictures From Judgment Day Weekend

Three of England's toughest: William Regal, the bloody bloke in red and Dave Taylor

Me and the #1 man in this sport, Edge

That's what I'm talking 'bout! Brooke of ECW's Extreme Expose

We're the same height! Me and Hornswoggle

EVIL! Me and Smackdown's former #1 announcer, Sho Funaki

Scary

Awww, this broad done flipped now. The above message is seen on the opening page of britneyspears.com. It's a message to her fans about how she is thankful for their support. Of course she is wearing nothing but a wig and white gloves and has an expression like the Miniature Killer on CSI. Does the girl even keep a stylist on retainer anymore? Does she even have management? K-Fed, come get those kids!

Idol Results: Are You Kidding Me?

Wow, so Melinda got voted off, leaving us a dull "showdown" between Jordin and a guy who just wore a tuxedo t-shirt on national television in 2007. Sad. And like the season when America was gracious enough to put Diana Degarmo in the finals, I will take a pass. I don't even see the point of the show anymore. Next week, I will be using the time that is usually reserved for American Idol to do some filing and perhaps to catch a rerun of Benson. *

I would recap this show, but I slept through the first thiry minutes, saw a bit of what used to be Elliott from last season, faded again, actually heard Ryan say "and next, Melinda goes home!", caught the score of the basketball game, saw a stupid LaBrons commercial, dreamed that I sat through an awful performance by Maroon 5, and then watched perhaps the best singer in American Idol come in third. That was about it. See you next season, Paula!

* well, unless they bring back Toni Braxton in that dress that she wore at last year's finale. C'mon American Idol, work with me.

Firecrotch, the #1 Stunna?

Maxim magazine just released its list of the Top 100 Hottest Women and topping the list was Lindsay Lohan (above). Are you kidding me? Maybe on the Top 100 Hottest Messes list. I mean, she's a nice little bee-ya bee-ya but c'mon. And the rest of the top ten was no better. Fergie? Aw, hells naw! Who in the world is Scarlett Johansson? Is that the lady from Gone With The Wind? She must be 90 years old by now. And then the token black in the top ten was Rihanna of all people! I would have called and cancelled my subscription-- if I wasn't already three months deliquent in sending in the payment. I think I'll work on my own list and see how it compares. You haven't heard the last of this!

Random Thoughts During American Idol

Blake? Is that you?

It's the three way dance. Each contestant will sing three songs this week. They are also showing footage of the contestants back in their respective hometowns. I can barely stand the sappiness.

First Round: Judge's Choice

Our little Jordin is first. Simon picked "Wishing On A Star" by Rose Royce for her. Why this and not "Car Wash"? I haven't heard this song in ages. I'm sure I have at on a 45 downstairs somewhere. I'm old. Jordin had never heard of the song. DAMN. I'm ancient. She did a good job with it. Paula and Randy liked it, but Simon didn't like the jazzed-up arrangement. Hey, she didn't write the song. Anyway, good start. Footage of Blake in Washington. Exciting. Paula chose "Roxanne" by The Police for him. Eddie Murphy did it tons better in 48 Hours. Melinda closed out the round with "I Believe In You" by Whitney Houston, which Randy picked for her. Nails. The judges loved it and Simon rightfully declared her the winner of Round One.

Second Round: Producer's Choice

They chose "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer for Jordin. Isn't that song about prostitutes? No, really. Regardless, she performed it well. The hookers would be proud. Can the same be said of Maroon 5's feelings for Blake's version of "This Love"? Perhaps. It was decent; a cynic might say a tad bland. Learning nothing from last week, he did lapse back into the beatboxing. It was tired. The judges did like the performance though. During this song, it finally dawned on me who Blake reminds me of when he's singing: the lead singer of 80's group Wang Chung (above). It's uncanny. Melinda finished with a strong version of Ike and Tina's "Nutbush City Limits". It was another good showcase of her vocals. The judges approved, but declared the round a draw.

Third Round: Contestant's Choice

More footage of Jordin back in her hometown. She now had a star at the mall where she used to work. She rolled out "I Who Have Nothing" again and it worked I think it was good enough to get her to next week. was shown back at home with Sir Mix-A-Lot, who was just happy to be back on TV, as they performed "Baby Got Back" together. Sir said that Blake was the King of C-Town, for whatever that is worth. He did Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone" and was just aiiight. Melinda's hometown named a street after her. We did that for McGwire and look how that turned out. Melinda turned it out with "I'm A Woman" to end the show on a good note. Gotta believe that next week we will see Melinda vs. Jordin.

TNA Sacrifice Results

Results from TNA Sacrifice, Sunday, May 13th, Orlando, FL:

- Kurt Angle beat Christian and Sting to win the NWA World Title
- Samoa Joe (above) beat A.J. Styles
- Team 3-D beat LAX and Scott Steiner/Tomko
- Jerry Lynn beat Tiger Mask, Senshi, and Alex Shelley
- Chris Harris beat James Storm
- Basham and The Damager beat Kip James
- "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels beat "The War Machine" Rhino
- Robert Roode beat Jeff Jarrett
- Chris Sabin beat Sonjay Dutt and Jay Lethal

Charm School/Fit Club Recap

I wonder if the guy who invented the television could have ever imagined that someday a person would turn on his invention and hear the words "I apologize for calling you a white bitch". It took many years, but it finally happened. And who do we owe this honor to? Of course, it had to be Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School! Easily, it's the greatest show currently on the airwaves. This week the girls were split into three teams and had to market and sell a brand of perfume. The team who raised the most money would be exempt from elimination. Leilene the Single Mom Stripper sprayed the perfume on her boobs and let passersby sniff it, so her team made money hand over foot and won the competition. Gotta use what got you to the dance. Meanwhile back at the house, this season's lead heel Larissa thought that Brooke intentionally broke up her phone conversation, then had a fit and challenged her to a fight. They both got called into the office and the host Monique made them apologize to each other. This led to the most insincere apology of all-time as Larissa did indeed say she was sorry for calling Brooke a "white bitch". Larissa survived the cut because you can't lose your lead heel this early in the season, which meant that sweet Courntey (above) was sent packing. And I shed a small tear.



Things were a little more subdued on Celebrity Fit Club this week. They went to a resort and it looked like the weigh-ins took place in a cabin. Each team had to vote off a member, which pretty much killed the concept of Guys vs. Girls. The teams are now basically Black vs. White with Warren G (above), Da Brat, Kimberely Locke and Cletus T. Judd (honorary black) composing the coolest team ever vs. Ross the Intern, Tiffany, Marcia Brady and Screcch. The highlight of the show was Tiffany getting her confidence back after losing weight on the show, to the point that she performed "I Think We're Alone Now" at a club with her giant boobs hanging out. Someone please sign this woman up for a show at The Pageant. The previews for next week showed the trainer Harvey going completey apeshit on Screech, in an episode that is destined to end up in the Hollywood Hall of Fame.

Is Firecrotch Down With The Swirl?

These are pictures of Lindsay Lohan partying (what else?) this weekend in Paradise Island. What are the Vegas odds of her Dad having a heart attack after seeing these?

Idol Results/Firecrotch on Letterman

I fell alseep during most of the hour-long Idol results show. I was conscious enough to see just a bit of Pink, Barry Gibb's father, sweet young Jordin being declared safe, and Lakisha being eliminated. I wanted to see a finals showdown between Lakisha and Melinda, but it ain't gonna happen. Poor song choices and Barry Gibb Night doomed her. At least she had a good run. She closed out the show in grand style too. I am looking forward to next week, because at the very least, we won't have to deal with Blake's stupid tuxedo shirt anymore.


I fell asleep after Idol and woke up just in time to catch Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan on the Letterman show. Not only is FC looking like Raven (above) a little more each day, she is also starting to sound like him. She was on the show to promote some movie that comes out on Friday with her and Jane Fonda. From the clip, that I saw, I don't think SpiderMan 3 has anything to worry about. She kind of admitted being a screw-up on the movie set and going clubbing. Dave didn't bring up the recent photos that allegedly show her doing cocaine in a club bathroom. I wouldn't have had the heart to do it either. Plus there's always that 2% chance that she still might put out. She said that she was going to play a stripper in an upcoming movie and that she did some "training". Man, we are looking at Tara Reid 2007. She will be hosting a weekly show about clubbing on the E! Network within two years.

This Just In: Edge Still Champ of the World!

Word out of Stamford, CT is that Edge is still the World Champion. I will report more information as it becomes available. This was not just a gratuitous post to see a picture of Lita's rack. Now stop staring, you pervert.

SHOCKER: NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

At the WWE Smackdown Tapings last night in Pittsburgh, PA, The Undertaker defended the World Title against Batista in a cage match. The match ended with both men hitting the floor at the same time and a draw was declared. At that point Mark Henry, making an appearance in between injuries, hit the ring and destroyed Taker with a series of big splashes. Moments later, guess who took the opportunity to cash in his Money in the Bank title shot? EDGE. He beat the Undertaker in seconds to become the new World Champion. Taker was carried out by druids so he can recover from his bicep injury. The staff of Hollywood Nation would like to congratulate Mr. Edge on his brilliant and calculating victory and we hope that this reign lasts longer than the last one.

Random Thoughts During American Idol

The Final Four. It's Barry Gibb Night (above, center, looking like the Burger King Guy). I don't know if this is going to work. I give props to the Bee Gees but damn, that was like 30 years ago. I don't know if this is the best way to showcase the performers. Plus Barry looks kinda weird now.

Everyone will sing twice tonight. Melinda starts it off. I'm not familiar with the song. As usual, she did well but the song was forgettable. The judges didn't particularly care for it either. Blake was next with "You Should Be Dancing". He pulled out all the beatbox theatrics and they just didn't fit. It was totally lame. It was like someone was doing a parody of him on SNL. The judges panned it. I don't think he understood. Lakisha followed with "Stayin' Alive". Nice job, but it was just kind of awkward. The Bee Gees songs are hard for other people to sing. The judges disliked it as well.

Jordin ended the first round with another song that I failed to recognize. She hit it though. Randy said it had kind of an Aretha/Mariah vibe. Paula and Simon liked it as well. She was declared the frontrunner, thus far.

Melinda rebounded strongly with "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" She nailed it. Randy said she was back on track. Paula babbled endlessly. Simon thought the second half of the song put her into the semi-finals. That could be the kiss of death. Blake did "This Is Where I Came In", which I don't think even Barry Gibb had heard of. In a complete shocker, I didn't like it. If I can paraphrase Dave Chappelle, I wish I had four hands-- so I could give that song four thumbs down. As Randy pointed out, you don't have to beatbox on every song. Unless you happen to be a rapper from 1983. It appeared that Paula had been in the Hennessey again. Simon said that he had a bad night. Kind of an understatement.

Lakisha's second song was more of the same. Simon declared that she was on the chopping block. Jordin finished the show. Funny how that happened. She did well but the judges were lukewarm.

Tomorrow, Barry Gibb live and Blake or Lakisha get cut.

Weekend Wrap-Up

It is perhaps television's finest hour: Flavor of Love- Charm School. Last night's episode was phenominal. The girls were divided into two groups and had a formal "debate" (the topic was some nonsense about which side should be kicked off the show). The insults flew and the Cattiness-o-Meter was deep into the red. Even the host, Mo'nique, got in some broad's grill. After the debate, they made the mistake of letting the girls go to a bar, where of course they got drunk, grinded on some guys and nearly had a fight. Then someone unfortunately got voted off. According to the previews for next week, apparently someone got called (and I quote) a "white bitch". This show is like The Facts of Life on crack and extacy.

It was proceeded by Celebrity Fit Club, which is perhaps television's second greatest hour. They played clips of Screech from Saved by the Bell talking trash behind everyone's back. Cletus T. Judd discussed the possibility of whipping his ass, Da Brat insulted him some more, and Kimberley Locke just shredded him. She talked about his fake porn tape and how he tried to sell t-shirts to make his house payment. Then he walked off like a baby. He said his "true fans" would understand. Awwwww, I really don't think he knows. Kind of sad in a way. But not really. Also, 50 year old Marcia Brady almost beat Warren G in a boat race. Where else are you going to find humiliation like this?

I managed to clear out some time from my busy schedule to catch a showing of SpiderMan 3 this weekend. Some of the reviews were kind of negative, but I really liked it. Sure there was too much talking and crying throughout the movie, but there was enough action, humor and special effects to make up for it. I thought Eric from That 70's Show was pretty good. I halfway expected Donna to come down to the basement and start berating him for wearing the black suit. Also, when is Peter Parker going to give up on this Mary Jane gal and go after Ursula, the girl who lives across the hall? I have a feeling that he already is but they just aren't showing us. I'm sure there is going to be a part four, but they have seemingly used up all of the villians now. Maybe next time he can take on The Joker or King Kong Bundy.

It looks like we are one step closer to a reunion of my favorite 90's pop group, The Spice Girls. Last week, Posh Spice threw a huge birthday party for her husband, The Soccer Guy, and it was attended by Scary, Baby (who ironically is having a baby), and Ginger. No Sporty. Apparently they discussed getting back together and perhaps touring. It seem inevitable at this point. Can't wait for them to break out the Union Jack dresses and KISS sized high heels. Even though they surely won't be coming to the midwest, it's still exciting. Now if we could just get a Britney Spears reunion, everything would be grand.

That's Not Hot

After being unable to abide by the laws of American society, it appears that hotel heiress/reality star/skank Paris Hilton will be doing a soft bid. Yesterday Paris was sentenced to a 45 day stay at the Century Regional Detention Center in Los Angeles for driving with a suspended license. She is expected to report on June 5th.

According to forbes.com, here is what America's favorite hoochie can expect:

"Inmates get three low-sodium meals a day, with dinner the only hot meal. Beef and pork aren't permitted - it's all poultry-based... Hilton will be segregated from the general population for her own safety, living in a one- or two-person cell... Inmates in segregation are allowed outside their cells for at least an hour each day to shower, watch television in the day room, participate in outdoor recreation or talk on the telephone."

What an embarrassment. Hell, even Ice Cube has never been to jail. No one in my family (except for three or four instances) has even been to jail! She's such a loser. Sure she'll miss being pampered, making lame vanity records, partying and getting drunk most nights but she will be able to fill her time with new experiences like learning the prison handshake, making a shank out of a spoon and fighting other inmates over a piece of cardboard.

Idol/Dancing Results

On Idol, I knew Chris was going home, but I was a little surprised that Creepy Phil left too-- I thought it was going be Lakisha based on her botched Carrie Underwood song from last week. Phil genuinely looked like he was just happy to have survived that long. He went out with a good performance too. That leaves us with Beatbox Boy and the cast of Dreamgirls. So we finally learned the secret to how BB comes up with all of those arranagements-- he has some advanced computer equipment. Well who couldn't do that? If I had an 808 and an SP12 back in 1990, I could have made The Chronic. The funniest moment of the show was when it looked like Simon was going to throw a hissy fit when he thought that Ryan said that Paula was better looking than his girlfriend.

Also on Dancing with the Stars this week, Cliff from Cheers got cut, which wasn't so bad except that has foxy dancing partner Edyta (pictured up top and above) is leaving with him. This leaves Muhammed Ali's daughter and hoping to see the cast of 90210 with Steve Sanders again as the only reasons to watch the rest of the season.

Random Thoughts During American Idol

We're down to six. It's Bon Jovi night. I have a feeling that I am going to be reminded tonight of why I own exactly zero Bon Jovi records. First up is Phil with "Blaze of Glory". I thought he did really well. And true to form, he looked as creepy as ever. The judges liked it. When Jordin met Bon Jovi, she said that her Mom loved them. They had to be thrilled to hear that. She chose "Livin' On A Prayer". The song reminds me of every burnout in a blue jean jacket with a wool collar and dirty white Nikes back in high school. Jordin did okay with the song. She hilariously dwarfed both guitarists who played alongside her. The judges didn't care for it and Simon said it was terrrible. She should have cried.

Lakisha, who better step it up this week, was next. She did a Bon Jovi ballad that I had never heard of (imagine that). She nailed it perfectly. The judges raved over it and Simon even kissed her. She just may have saved herself. This was followed by a now black-haired Blake, who insisted on putting his own spin on "You Give Love A Bad Name". Jon Bon Jovi virtually begged him not to. The clown did it anyway. It was an annoying mix of average singing and imitation beatboxing. Of course the judges loved the "innovation". So I guess they will allow rappers to start auditioning for this next year, right?

Oh hells no! Was that Baby Spice in a commercial for spaghetti sauce? With Posh's soccer husband coming to the U.S. and Scary's baby momma drama with Eddie Murphy, that makes three of the Spice Girls back in the public eye. Time for Sporty and Ginger to step on up. I can just see the reunion coming.

After the commercial, it was time for Chris. Ryan called him "Justin Timberlake". Hey, I do that too! He did "Wanted Dead or Alive" and forgot the words in rehearsal, humiliating himself right in front of JBJ. He hit the stage and did a perfectly mediocre version of the song. I would say that he is gone this week. Melinda had the show closer. She did a new song called "Have A Nice Day". She just ripped it. Best performance of the night. The judges loved it as well. They closed out with a taped appearance from The President and the First Lady thanking the viewers for donating money last week. Such great comedy. Tonight Chris and somebody will be leaving plus live Bon Jovi. Should be fun.

Britney is back-- sort of. According to perezhilton.com, Britney did her first "comeback concert" in San Diego last night at the House of Blues. Her outfit was described as "a brunette wig with a black headband, sparkling bustier, fur coat, white skirt and knee-high boots". No word on if crack was involved. She went a whopping 15 minutes, lip synched the entire time and barely addressed the crowd. Baby, what was the point? I told my sister in Chicago that if Britney was coming to the House of Blues up there that I wanted to come up for it. Strangely enough, I heard a dial tone seconds later.

Gee, I wonder if Lindsay Lohan's rehab did any good? According to celebritybabylon.com, she showed up at a party in Palm Springs last weekend and within a half hour, had taken off her shirt and was dancing around in a bra (above). I might also add that Firecrotch is only 20 and hanging out in bars and clubs. I can only imagine what will happen when she has actual legal access to alcohol. Doesn't it seem that Mean Girls was like thirty years ago?

Dancing with the Stars

I only caught about ten minutes of Dancing with the Stars last night, but it was the right ten minutes. I tuned in just in time to catch Muhammed Ali's daughter followed by Edyta (who dances with Cliff from Cheers). Right after that was Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210. After his dance, they cut to the audience and then was the moment that I've been waiting for since the season began-- old cast members from 90210 were there to cheer Steve on. I couldn't have been any happier. It was great to see Kelly, Brandon and Donna. As far as I know, none of these people are busy-- they should just go ahead and do a reunion series. I'm sure they welcome the opportunity. When was the last time Brenda or Dylan was on a TV show? And since she's been cut off from the family, even I have more money than Tori Spelling-- she'd jump at the chance. I better go write to my congressmen.