The World's Shortest Oscar Review

I don't usually watch the Oscars because they never feature the movies that I watch. I don't think I've seen an Oscar nominated film since On Golden Pond-- and I was forced to go see that because there was no babysitter. I think I've only seen one Oscars telecast in its entirety and that was the year that Halle and Denzel won. Gee, I wonder why I watched that year. It's the same old stuff every year: the red carpet stuff with Joan and Melissa, highlight clips featuring such "classic" moments as that idiot walking over the rows of chairs to get to the stage, some lame opening musical skit, awards for a bunch of art films and documentaries that I never heard of, then four hours later-- BEST MOVIE! So I just caught bits and pieces. The highlights (from the bits that I saw):

- I thought Ellen did well as a host. Most of the skits hit the mark.
- It was good to see Jennifer Hudson win for Best Supporting Actress. They kept cutting to Beyonce and her dad and you knew it was tearing his crazy ass apart. Beyonce did well in keeping up with the others during the musical skit. She ain't no lightweight!
- What was the last successful project that Jennifer Lopez was involved in? Hell, what was the last project that she was involved in?
- Cameron Diaz looked surprisingly human tonight. This was the best she's looked since The Mask.
- Worst dressed: Quincy Jones. I only saw it for a few seconds, but it was some type of silk robe thing. It was dangerously flirting with Admiral Outfit territory. Let's keep an eye on this brother.
- They didn't give any awards to the movies that I saw last year. Would it really have hurt to nominate The Rock for Gridiron Gang or That Guy for Superman?
- Can't wait for all of those Norbit nominations next year.

American Idol Controversy!

Every season you can count on American Idol to deliver certain things: annoying contestants, unhelpful critiques from Paula Abdul and at least one major scandal. This season's scandal may belong to contestant Antonella Barba, better known on this page as "Eva Mendez' Younger Sister". She was the girl who sang Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" on Wednesday's show and was dissed by all of the judges. Somehow she still advanced to the next round. Now we may now why. This week photos of Miss Barba have surfaced on the internet showing her in various stages of undress, making obscene gestures and even on the toilet. Even more damaging is a set of photos that might be her performing a sexual act. Now since this is a family website, unfortunately I can't elaborate. If she gets kicked off the show, that would really suck. Dick Cheney himself probably couldn't stop this! A scandal like this could really be a big blow. Jobs in the entertainment industry are tough to come by, so this could be a real setback. I was so depressed that I just sat around all day eating pizza until I had my fill. Ate two of 'em in fact. I have a bad feeling that on Tuesday's show, this may all come to a head.

Friday Ramblings

Congratulations to St. Louis icon and one of Hollywood Nation's favorite people, Karen Foss, on her new job. I guess now might be the time to get the light bill out of my baby cousin's name... No really big surprises on Idol last night. I was mildly surprised that the girl who sang "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" didn't go, but we are still in the rounds where looks can get you to the next round. I swear that I didn't even remember the second girl who got cut. I CANNOT wait for J-Lo week. What in the world is she going to teach them? Please don't tell me that they are going to sing her songs that week too. I can't even remember her songs. I remember the videos, but I can't remember the songs. Maybe it will be Lightweight Songs week or something ... As of this moment, Britney is back in rehab. This time she better stay in or she might lose custody of the kids-- to Kevin Federline. Who would have ever guessed he would have emerged as the better parent? As radio host Jim Rome put it though, it's like saying the Kansas City Royals are better than the Pittsburgh Pirates. The photos of Britney attacking the paparazzi's van with an umbrella were priceless. She looked like a hairless Triple H. She may want to cut back on the meth about 300%... Donald Trump will put his hair on the line against WWE owner Vince McMahon's at this year's WrestleMania on April 1st. McMahon will be represented by The Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga, and sources indicate that Trump will be choosing ECW Champion Bobby Lashley to represent him. I could look like that guy, but I would have to give up soda. Conspiracy Theory: Everyone thinks it will be Vince who has his head shaved, but suppose it's Trump? Maybe he was going to get a haircut anyway and this was the best way to publicize it. Plus he loves any kind of press and something like this would get him on Entertainment Tonight for a week! I'd rather see Trump on there though rather than Howard K. Stern and his fake crying ass for twenty minutes each night.

Idol Thoughts

The guys were so lackluster, I didn't want to waste a whole post on them. I can't believe that someone even broke out "Knights in White Satin". Nobody really stepped up to where I was like "Aw, this is the man!". A couple of guys did well, but for the most part they were forgettable. One note: somebody get Sanjaya in touch with Britney so he can get that mop off of his head. Who's gonna win it this year: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it will be-- a generic white guy! Also, please GET RID OF PAULA ABDUL! I will only make this complaint about 20 more times this season.

The girls were much better. One piece of advice: Kids, ya gotta let Aretha, Stevie and Whitney go! You ain't ready for those songs. Hell, sometimes Stevie wakes up these days and probably says "Damn, I can't handle that Stevie today!" Here is my rundown of the girls:

1. Stephanie: She brought it! She set the pace for the night. Reminded me that I hadn't heard Prince's "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" since parachute pants and Beat It jackets were in style.

2. Amy: Killed the momentum of the show at the second performance.

3. Leslie: Are those... HOOKER BOOTS! Right on the American Idol stage? Wow! Incredible. Please don't vote her off (although she was dreadful). She could be this season's Kimberly Caldwell.

4. Sabrina: The Mya lookalike. Good job. She had good stage presense. Will need to step it up to hang with the big girls.

5. Eva Mendez' younger sister- It wasn't a bad rendition of "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" but it wasn't good enough to keep her off this week's chopping block.

6. Jordin- nice rendition of Tracy Chapman's "Give Me One Reason". Excellent choice. She may float to number five or six.

7. Nicole: Chaka Kahn? Oh hells no! It was all wrong. She chose Chaka Kahn and Chaka Kahn took her ass right out of this competition. She may advance-- if every memeber of her extended family calls 1000 times.

8. Haley: Simon hilariously said that it sounded like something you might hear at a hotel. I say maybe even a motel. Nice how she just totally blew off the advice they gave her.

9. Melinda: She was my pick to win it. And she brought it. Probably will make it to number two, before getting beat by Haley the Hotel Lounge singer in the finals.

10. Alania: The pizza girl. She chopped up The Pretender's "Brass In Pocket" ("Middle of the Road" would have been more fitting). She just unravled as the song went along. I didn't like it. I do like pizza though.

11. Gina: Who let her on this show? She did NOT hit that note (as was pointed out later by Simon). If it wasn't for the forgettable girls at the top of the show, she would be in big trouble.

12. Lakisha: When they said she was going to do "And I Am Telling You", I thought to myself "Oh hell no!" That's like the worst possible choice right now because of the comparisons to Jennifer Hudson. She just simply tore it up. Wow! It was like she was on a different show than the rest of the girls. It would have even been better if they hadn't chopped the song up to fit a minute and a half. She's the one to beat.

Overall, it was a really good show from the excellent performances to the denial to the slutty fashion choices. It was funny watching the recap at the end and saying to myself "Oh, you poor thing" about eight times. From the guys, hopefully The Goatee and the annoying Shoeless Boy are going home. From the girls: probably Amy and unfortunately Hooker Boots. We'll see tomorrow.

Britney/Firecrotch Update

First the good news. According to several reports, after much urging from her family and friends, Britney Spears has entered a rehab center in Los Angeles. Thank goodness. Hopefully this isn't one of those one day stints or one of those facilities where she can leave every night and then come back the next morning after spending the night drinking a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (Update: She already left!).

And speaking of which, Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan completed her 30 day stint in rehab (where it seemed like she was on the outside more than she was in). And how did she celebrate? By showing up to a movie set on time and being a model professional? Nope. By lecturing young girls about the dangers of alcohol and drugs? Hells no. By going out clubbing three nights in a row at the local hotspots? Ding, ding, ding! Because what better place to go for a recovering substance abuser than a Los Angeles nightclub? I guess the rehab didn't take. That's just great; now somebody better be on the lookout to keep the clippers out of this tramp's hands too.

More Pictures From Lockdown's First Day Ticket Sales

More pictures from Friday at the Family Arena in St. Charles with "Showtime" Eric Young and Christy Hemme of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.

Mike Alfonso a.k.a. Mike Awesome, 1965-2007

From wrestlingobserver.com:

"Mike Alfonso, better known as Mike Awesome, was found dead on Saturday evening in the Tampa area according to those close to the family. He was 42. Friends were coming to his home in Tampa to pick him up and go out Saturday night at about 10:30 p.m. and he never answered the door and found him hanging in the home. It is believed the death was due to suicide pending results of the autopsy.

Mike Awesome was one of the top foreign stars in FMW in Japan, who as a high-flying big man was made ECW champion on two occasions in 1999 and 2000. He worked for a few months with WWF after the collapse of WCW, as well as with All Japan, but had not wrestled in some time. He was working as a realtor at Coldwell Banker at the time of his death."

TNA Lockdown: First Day Ticket Sales

On Friday morning, I headed to the Family Arena in scenic St. Charles, Missouri to buy tickets for the live Total Nonstop Action Wrestling event, Lockdown, coming to town on April 15th. The event will be seen nationally on pay-per-view. Here is the rundown of my morning at the ticket office:

9:05: I arrived right around my goal time of 9:00 AM. The box office opened at 10:00 AM, so I had about an hour wait. It was about 10 degrees outside. I'm bad at estimating, but I would say there were about 100 people in front of me. I was out there looking like the black Where's Waldo.

9:10: The cold was almost unbearable. My hands and feet were frozen almost immediately. Then to add salt into a very cold wound, I was right next to the 105.7 The Point van, which was blaring some very loud and awful heavy metal music right into my ear. Combine the loud music with the prevelant stench of cheap cologne and unemployment in the air, and this was slowly becoming a one hour endurance test.

9:15: I was frozen solid. I had the look on my face that Mario Lopez had whenever they would critique him on Dancing with the Stars.

9:16: Even though I think it's actually impossible to occur, I think my entire face was ashy.

9:20: I saw a guy in the crowd wearing an "I like girls who like girls" sweatshirt. I might add, this was in public. For some reason, his life experiences had led him to believe that this was socially acceptable. Did he have issues with his grill? Do you really have to ask? I would imagine he has never actually seen a tax form in his life.

9:25: It was like being in Antarctica. A representative in a 105.7 The Point t-shirt came around handing out station bumper stickers. It was so cold that I couldn't even mouth the simple words "fuck off", so I just feebily extended my hand with thumb and forefinger together and he put it in there.

9:30: Scanning the crowd I noticed a couple of people in blankets. One had on a NASCAR blanket (a given) and the other had on a blanket with the Confederate flag. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: Wrestling Fans!

10:00: The box office finally opened. At that point the line progressed at about a rate of five minutes for every one person. Luckily there were three windows open.

10:15: Some fool bought his tickets, then jumped in the air and proclaimed "I'm going to Lockdown!" and walked away. Then they handed him his wallet which had been left behind. Dumbass.

10:30: I finally made my transaction. I got six tickets. I headed inside to thaw out and to get in line to meet NWA World Heavyweight Champion "Instant Classic" Christian Cage (pictured above), TNA Knockout and former Playboy model Christy Hemme (the only woman that I've ever described as "dreamy") and blue chipper "Showtime" Eric Young. I saw a friend that I've known since high school and we chatted for awhile. Some guy around us asked what message we thought he should have Christy write to his brother who had been in prison for seven years. Only in a wrestling line do you meet people of this caliber. I had no idea what to say. Perhaps "Don't drop the soap" would be appropriate.

10:50: I finally got to the front of the line about twenty minutes later. They couldn't have been nicer. Christian just seemed like a friendly guy instead of the guy bashing people over the head with chairs every week. He signed my replica NWA World title belt. When I got to Christy and reached into my bag, she said "Uh oh" as if I was about to pull out her lost porno from tenth grade or something. It was only a calender though. Her hair was really red. She had on a long winter coat covering most of the good parts. Eric Young was really nice also. All good representitives of the company. They chose good people.

I headed home and squandered the rest of the day. I'll be back in St. Charles on April 15th.

Where Did This Person Go?

Ah, the good old days. It's been a whole day and it's still tough living in the Britney "Star Trek The Next Generation" Era. The photos of her sitting there shaving her head are just disturbing. She is so far of control. Do you think even Lindsay Lohan picked up the paper yesterday morning and said to herself: "Damn, this woman is a trainwreck!" Of course not; Lindsay Lohan can't read! I guess the one main question that people have been asking each other across the country is: Would you still hit that? Man, I don't know. She'd have to put on a Batman mask or something.

All kidding aside, I really do hope that she gets it together. I heard that her mother was on the way out to L.A., so that seems like a good first step. I hope she moves back to Louisiana, gets some professional help and sticks with it, sends the kids to a boarding school in Switzerland until they are 18, gets out of the entertainment business completely for at least two years, and then comes back with a low profile project once she gets it all together. We don't need another Anna circus.

It's Official: This Bitch Is Nuts

I prayed that this was Photoshopped. Unfortunately I saw this story confirmed on USAToday.com and KABC-TV's website: Britney Spears is now bald. And even worse, apparently she did this on her own and not as part of a hair vs. hair match on WWE wrestling. This actually scares me. I hope someone is just playing an elaborate joke and is sitting inside my computer posting images of a bald Britney Spears on different sites. It's gotta be that. It can't be that I'm drunk, because I haven't had alcohol since I was two. This latest development is so bad that I'm going into rehab. This is so sad. I need to go make some red Kool-Aid. I tell you what-- this is the last time I get up in the middle of the night and click on britneyspears.org!

DAYUM!

Wow! For the first time in about fourteen years, I might actually get the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Good choice to put Beyonce on the cover. I didn't even know that S.I. still put this thing out! It will be so great to see Kathy Ireland, Cheryl Tiegs, Billy Joel's ex-wife and the rest of the gang again! And what a coup this is for Beyonce. Let's see Jennifer Hudson top this! Oh yeah, she already did by appearing on the cover of Vogue that came out this week. Damn. Beyonce's crazy Dad/manager must be furious. He is probably pacing and ordering an admiral's outfit as we speak. I bet now he'll try to get her booked in the only magazine spot more coveted than this: an appearance as Jet Magazine's Beauty of the Week.

American Idol Thoughts

The official competition hasn't even started and I'm already threatening not to watch the rest of the season. Usually this doesn't kick in until the third week. How in the world did they kick out the Shakira wannabe (pictured above)? That was my favorite contestant this year. Sure she could only sing "Hips Don't Lie" and butchered everything else, but with a potential superstar like this, sometimes concessions have to be made. Broadway week? Let her do "Hips Don't Lie" from Cats. Barry Manilow week? How about Barry Manilow's "Hips Don't Lie"? Oh well, there's always the movies. We look forward to seeing her in Big Booty Latinas 8.

This year's crop looks a little weak to me. The guy at the end of Wednesday's show got robbed so that Goatee Boy could advance. I have no idea why they were so intent on keeping him. They had already filled the fat guy quota! I could tell which girls would be weeded out early (Leslie Hunt for one). I can't wait for Sanjaya to get booted because he went out like a complete sucka for crying when his sister didn't make it. And here's my prediction for this year's winner. I'm calling my shot: Melinda Doolittle, the career backup singer. You heard it here first. I can hardly wait for my rant in Week 7 when she gets cut.

How is that Career Rebound Coming?

skank [skangk] n.
1. Disgusting or vulgar matter; filth.
2. One who is disgustingly foul or filthy and often considered sexually promiscuous. Used especially of a woman or girl.

The girl in the middle used to be Britney Spears. What a week. Not only was she outed in In Touch magazine (allegedly) but now this from the New York Daily News:

"In the wee hours of Sunday morning, paparazzi caught Spears emerging from her limo with a jacket over her head, stains on her jeans - and a puddle of puke in the back seat after she spent the evening hanging out in Manhattan's Club Tenjune.

A source told the Daily News she drank shots from a bottle of tequila and ended up naked in the dancers' dressing room, trying on their bikini costumes.

"She was in high spirits," says the source. "[Spears] arrived in a little red dress, but she admired the fishnet [stockings] the dancers were wearing. She went downstairs and tried them on, but didn't like the way they looked with her dress.

"So she took off her dress and started putting on bikinis that the dancers wear," he adds. "She stripped all of her clothes off and was totally naked in the dancers' room. She came out and got a T-shirt off of one of the waiters and danced like that till around 4 a.m."

Get out of the clubs and take care of your kids, woman! Who is taking care of the kids? Her Mom? The maid? Lindsay? Wolves? This broad makes Federline look like Ward Cleaver.

Random Thoughts on The Grammys

- I was installing computer equipment while the show was going on (what a joke that is), so if I missed something, blame it on that.

- Show started with the reunited Police singing Roxanne. I didn't really become a fan until right after they had broken up, so this was a treat. They came back in good form. Good start.

- First winners of the night were Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder for Best Collaboration. It was followed by the Dixie Chicks performance. Some guy in Georgia just threw his "Get R Done" hat on the ground in disgust.

- CBS's new boy Prince made a brief appearance to introduce Dreamgirls afterthought Beyonce. It was good. She's no Jennifer Hudson though.

- Mary J. Blige won for something or other, then proceeded to reel off the longest Thank You list in the history of awards shows. It was so long that even Quincy Jones was thinking "damn, is it necessary to name all of those people?" It was unreal. You would have thought this was her first time winning anything. Eventually the music played her off and rightfully so.

- Taped segment with Justin Timberlake talking about some song he wrote. Completely soft. I bet Austin could kick his ass with both of his arms tied behind his back and his legs bound. Then Timberlake came onstage with about 50 black people and did his song. I haven't seen that many black people on a stage since M.C. Hammer did "U Can't Touch This" at the SIU Arena in 1991.

- Pink and T.I. presented The Doors with an award. Jim Morrison was in Paris and could not attend.

- Performance with John Mayer, John Legend and Corinne Bailey Rae. This was a really good, of course. Mayer won an award afterwards. I wonder if Jessica Simpson is getting on his nerves yet? Poor guy. He seems like a nice guy too.

- Wyclef and Shakira came out for "Hips Don't Lie". See photo above.

- Song of the Year (and later Record of the Year) went to the Dixie Chicks. Some hick in Tennessee just threw his TV across the trailer. It was a black and white with foil on the antenna.

- Gnarls Barkley performed a slowed down version of "Crazy". Cee-Lo was wearing a pilot uniform. When brothers start breaking out the admiral and pilots outfits, this is usually a good indication that they have indeed snapped.

- My boy Common came out along with Kanye West and they made fun of West always whining. The Roots got robbed for Best Rap Album, which went to Ludacris. I can't even remember how to spell the word "ludacris" correctly anymore. Ludacris dissed Oprah. He'll pay. Oh, he's gonna pay!

- Mary J. comes out to perform, prefaced with more "I had problems but overcame them" for the umpteenth time. For the first time since 1993 she's getting on my nerves. It was a good performance, perhaps the best of the night, however I was too busy hating.

- Best Country Album-- Dixie Chicks. In the words of Scooby-Doo: "Ruh Ro!"

- Intermission a.k.a. Carrie Underwood segment.

- Our next presenters: Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci. I saw the trailer for their movie Black Snake Moan and I couldn't even believe someone gave it the green light. Jackson plays a southern guy who keeps Ricci chained up in his house. They won't be bringing this to St. Louis. This was followed by a three way performance with botox poster boy Smokey Robinson, Lionel "Nicole's Dad" Richie, and Chris Brown. Good segment. I liked the kids that were dancing in the Chris Brown segment.

- Christina Aguilera was next to perform James Brown's "It's A Man's World". She looked like a poodle. Why didn't they just roll out James Brown himself since he's still not buried! Just prop his hand up and let him give a wave to the crowd. Even without the Godfather's help, Christina turned it out. I'm so old that I can remember when there actually was a debate about how was better between Christina and Britney. How's that comeback coming along Britney? Get out of the bars, baby!

- Obit segment, ending with a James Brown tribute and one of his capes being placed over the microphone.

- Next was a performance with Earth Wind and Fire, Ludacris, and Mary J., who inexplicibly had Farrah hair now. This was weird but good. All is forgiven, Mary.

- Jennifer Hudson, who once placed 7th in a nationally televised weekly karoke contest behind such great singers as Jasmine Trias, introduced Justin Timberlake, who was back to perform another song, this time with the winner of a contest. It was down to three finalists. It didn't matter which one since they were all interchangeable and hot. The winner did well though.

- Chris Rock brought out the Red Hot Chili Peppers who put on a good show, but didn't quite live up to the voiceover guy, who promised a performance we would be talking about tomorrow. Unless you are really into confetti, I don't see why you would be talking about it the next day. It was still good though.

- Dixie Chicks capped it off with a win for Album of the Year. It should have gone to Christina, who wasn't even nominated.

- Good show, even though it was way too long at three and a half hours. Favorite moments: The Police reunion, Shakira's hips, Christina, the looks on the redneck's faces.

Vickie Lynn Hogan, 1967-2007

It occurred to me that between the tabloids, gossip sites, TV, and that magazine that I read just for the articles, that I have been following the career of Anna Nicole Smith (born Vickie Lynn Hogan) for over 15 years. And from the Guess Jeans ads to Playmate of the Year to The Anna Nicole Show to all the courtroom drama, it was never a dull moment. No matter what it was though, her name always seemed to bring a smile to people's faces.

Is it fair to say that she was the Marilyn Monroe of our generation? I don't know; I wasn't around in the days of Marilyn Monroe. But I do know that we like our stars to have a tinge of scandal and she never failed to deliver. What other diva has provided all of these elements: a great rags to riches success story, stripping, substance abuse problems, single parenting, appearing in Playboy, a reality show, a marriage to a creepy old man, major weight gain, major weight loss, a Supreme Court case, paternity tests, a relationship with her shady lawyer, wacky awards show appearances, terrifically cheesy movies like To The Limit and Skyscraper (you must see these), classic appearances on the (real) Howard Stern Show, an annoying catchphrase on a national ad campaign, and becoming a staple of Entertainment Tonight and The National Enquirer.

I don't know if the Britneys and Lindsays of the world can ever top that track record. Not that they would want to. I know it's cliche to say this when someone dies, but I think this is truly a case when people can say that there will never be another one like her.

Happy 60th Birthday, KSDK!

(While I am away on business, my possessed Sting doll will take over. I have no idea what he will write about, however please know that his views in no way reflect myself or those of Hollywood Nation. Thanks.-- Hollywood)

Hello, everyone. The Sting doll here. It's Showtime. Here in St. Louis one station is known as the number one source for news. They are always first with breaking news and they provide information and accuracy that is unrivaled. But enough about Channel 2! Today I am here to wish KSDK-TV (Channel 5) a happy 60th birthday. Wow, sixty years ago. Bologna was a nickel, Abe Lincoln was just starting his first term in office, and Ed Sullivan introduced the Beatles to America. Now my time line might be a bit off, but I'm just a little puppet so cut me some slack. I have enjoyed the historical clips that I have seen recently on Channel 5. I even caught a bit of their 60th Anniversary show last night while I was waiting for Deal or No Deal. Why did that nice lady keep calling Miss Foss a "broad"? Miss Foss is not a broad. Jessica Simpson is a broad. Paris Hilton is a broad. And a bit of tramp as well, but that's neither here nor there. I would like to see some type of apology or an official retraction. Anyway, after seeing all of that footage, here is a list of my favorite moments from KSDK:

1. The infamous "Who in the hell left the gate open?" episode of Corky the Clown

2. The non-stop coverage of the time that the Pope came to town

3. The time they fired Hollywood

Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. This is the real reason for this post. How can they have an entire one hour special without at least a 20 minute tribute to the most charasmatic, showstopping icon to ever walk through the doors? When Hollywood started there, KSDK was just a low watt station getting beaten by reruns of Benson. Then he put the station on his broad shoulders and singlehandedly brought them to the promised land. And how much time did he get on the special? A goose egg, baby! Not a second! Nothing! Not even a five minute slow motion tribute video to "Hero" by Mariah Carey! How ungrateful! Well, that's it for me. That was the last straw. It's strictly Channel 4 from now on. Besdes, I kinda like that Vickie Newton. You know Sting has always had a thing for the chocolota! So anyway, happy birthday KSDK. Enjoy your cake. You've earned it. I'm out.

Notes from the Super Bowl

- I only watched about an hour of the pre-game hype, which was just about enough. I tried to crack my Dad up with stuff like (in a female voice): "And now the Academy Award nominees for Best Lead Actor in a Film-- Eddie Murphy for Norbit".

- I didn't really care who won, I was just happy the Patriots weren't in. I was more concerned with wings and my standing in the football squares pool that I was in.

- Channel 4 might as well had run a promo that said "Hey terrorists, get your pen and paper ready, tonight at 10 we'll tell you right were there is a major security breach!" In the words of Bernie Mac, they need to shut what we call "the f*** up".

- Let me guess-- it's sweeps again.

- Prince's halftime show was great. It was probably the best hafltime show ever and easily the best one since Boobgate. He was spectacularly attired in his Miami Dolphins colors and little scarf. I was so surprised that he even came out in the rain. It was like Diana Ross in Central Park. Good, good stuff.

- How would you like to be a Bears fan to pay all that money for airfare, hotel, tickets, then get to the game and sit in the rain for three hours and see the Bears piss away the championship? That would be like the worst day of your life.

- The commercials were okay. I thought the best were Federline, Go Daddy (starring WWE Diva Candice Michelle), and the beer ad with paper, scissors, rock.

- Did I actually see Trishelle from MTV's The Real World in that Go Daddy ad?

Weekend Round-Up

The magazine that brought us Vida Guerra is no more. According to the latest FHM Magazine which arrived in my mailbox on Friday, the publication is going out of business with the current issue. Everyone from Janet Jackson to Mariah Carey to WWE's Torrie Wilson appeared on the cover at one time or another. Where am I going to turn now for juvenile jokes, fashion tips, reviews and young tramps in bikinis trying to catch a break? Oh yeah, Maxim, Stuff, King, Blender, and The Show. I would like to leave FHM with these final words: Where the hell is my refund for the check I just sent last month? They knew they were going out of business last month! For that matter, they probably knew they were going out of business last year! They best come off of my skrilla... Did you happen to see the swimsuit contest on Friday's edition of WWE Smackdown, featuring My Favorite Woman of All-Time, Kristal (pictured above)? Dear Lord. I was on the phone at the time with my friend Upgrade, who tried to find even one flaw with her, but was unsuccessful. If I may steal the words of the great Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, comparing her to Paris Hilton would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure... The producer of American Idol issued a statement last weeking saying that he never contacted Courtney Love to ask if she would like to be a judge on American Idol. Maybe Courtney had a dream and thought that it really did happen... Olivia Newton-John was on national TV twice last week-- is this 1978?... An episode of Good Times aired last week with a really young Gary Coleman as a guest star. He totally stole the show. He played a brat who was mad that he had to wear a sheep costume in a school play. Then he dropped this gem: "It took us 300 years to get out of cotton-- now here they go puttin' us right back in it!"... Late minute Super Bowl prediction: Bears win it. Refridgerator Perry comes out of the stands and scores a last minute game winning TD. I just hope that Prince doesn't wear those ass-less pants.