Hitting The Fan

Yesterday WWE announced that they had suspended ten wrestlers who had violated the Wellness Policy, based on information from the Albany District Attorney's office. No word on if the wrestlers will be taken off TV or if this will be one of those suspensions where they appear on TV but just don't get paid.

In addition, Sports Illustrated, ESPN.com, and the New York Daily News have listed names of WWE wrestlers who received steroids and HGH (some received them after the Wellness Policy started) from Signature Pharmacy, which is being accused of selling the drugs to patients who hadn't been examined by a doctor. Among those listed in the stories were Edge, Booker T (say it ain't so), Batista (I'm shocked), St. Louis' own Randy Orton (he makes us prouder each day), John Morrison (I knew he couldn't get those abs from just doing sit-ups), Funaki (why?), Chris Masters (of course), and Ken Kennedy (who had just claimed that he was clean since the Wellness Policy started).

I have a feeling that Spike Dudley will be the World Champion by October.

Hogan Update

It turns out that right before Nick Hogan crashed his car on Sunday, he was racing someone in a silver Dodge Viper-- like the one that is owned by the Hogan family. Ruh ro! Hmmm, who could that have been?

To add to that, according to pwtorch.com, if Nick's passenger dies, he could be charged with vehicular manslaughter and be sentenced to up to 15 years in the hole. Bad times. Looks like not even the Legdrop of Doom can get him out of this mess.

Dancing With The Stars Lineup Announced

The lineup for the new season of Dancing with the Stars was announced yesterday and I'm a little disappointed. Granted, we do have Scary Spice (above) and Jennie Garth ("Kelly" of 90210) so I am guaranteed to be on board for at least a few weeks but the rest include Wayne Newton, Marie Osmond, Dallas Maverics owner Mark Cuban and at least five people that I could not identify from their picture. At least there are no boy-banders this time. I'm begging these people to bring back Stacy Keibler.

New Tyra Promo Photo

Tyra reminds you that the new season of America's Next Top Model starts on Wednesday, September 19th. Oh yes, it's the dreaded slow news day!

VH-1 Recap

This week on a very special episode of Hogan Knows Best, Young Nick learns a valuable lesson when he is driving at a high speed, loses control of the car and smashes into a palm tree.

Meanwhile over on Rock of Love, the ladies do a photo shoot for a mock album cover. You could put Kim Kardashian and Tyra Banks making out in a wrestling ring with a Rams vs. 49ers game in the background on the cover and I still wouldn't buy a Bret Michaels album. Anyway, Bret finally learns that everyone hates the lead heel Lacey, who still sticks around for another week, mostly because she is the lead heel. In the end, some girl who I didn't even know was on the show was sent packing.

I missed the Scott Baio show, but read that he did indeed propose and that his girlfriend announced that she was pregnant. Maybe they can find out who the father is when the series comes back for season two.

In The Name of Equality.....

Why should black women be the only ones allowed to be on the cover of one of the nation's most salacious magazines? In an effort to promote racial unity (or whatever) the October issue of black men's magazine King will feature an Armenian (code for "white girl") on the cover for the first time ever. It's only fitting that Hollywood Nation favorite Kim Kardashian would receive the honor. Martin Luther King would be proud. Why do I have a feeling that when I reach for this thing on the newsstand at Wal-Mart, some sister is going to leap out of the greeting card aisle and hit me with a brick?

"I'm bringing Back back."

Sham!

I knew that whole Kanye West vs. 50 Cent feud was bogus! Here they are performing onstage together earlier this week in NYC at Screamfest (along with Puff Daddy). You would have never seen LL Cool J and Kool Moe Dee pulling this shit.

Serving Hard Time

On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan plead guilty to NINE charges against her, including two DUIs and got sentenced to ONE HOUR of jail, which she likely won't even have to serve when it's all said and done. On top of that, Nicole Richie spent just 82 minutes in jail yesterday for her DUI sentence. The moral: The system works!

Hogan Knows Fashion

Here's a picture from earlier this week of Mashonda, producer Swizz Beats, and Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke, who looks like she is trying out for an audition on BET's Hot Ghetto Mess. Can't Hulk dip into that NWO money and get this girl a stylist?

Anchorwoman

Random Voice in the Newsroom: "Dan, are you working tonight?"

Dan Gray: "No, I'm anchoring."

* * * * *

Last night I caught the debut of Fox's latest reality show, Anchorwoman. The concept puts former swimsuit model and WWE Diva-for-a-month Lauren Jones in a small market newsroom to see if she can make it as an anchorwoman. Since I'm a longtime WWE fan and since I've dabbled in the news business, I feel that I am well qualified to review this show. First of all there's the main character, Lauren. I barely even remember her WWE tenure, which would have taken place some time in 2005. I do have her WWE promo photo though. She is basically what the general public would percieve a WWE diva to be: kind of an airhead, a little self-absorbed and hot to death. This is the type of woman that I would be hiring if I was a news director, which probably explains volumes about why I was unceremoniously booted from the industry in the first place.

The show started with fake reaction shots of her being told that she just got a job as an anchor in Tyler, Texas. She was way too excited, showing the great acting skills that she learned in her skits on Friday Night Smackdown. Then we saw the reaction of viewers and her new co-workers, who were rightfully wary of the whole thing. What killed me the whole show was how people in the newsroom where whining about how this stunt would kill their journalistic credibility. First of all, it's Tyler, Texas! Who cares! And second, they have a freaking DOG in the opening credits already! Having some hot broad reading the news can only help their credibility.

The rest of the show was showing Lauren preparing to learn how to read the teleprompter, learning how to dress properly (she got sent home for showing too much boob), and showing the poor anchorwoman that she replaced player hating to anyone who would listen. Lauren ended up doing well on her first show and later went out and shot a story too. So far so good. If the ratings are good, the show is supposed to last for five more episodes. I wonder if Lauren improved the ratings in Tyler? This might catch on. Next thing you know, My Boy Shipley will have Sable and Chyna doing the 5:00 news on The Five. If either of them could read.

OMG!

Wow! It's hard to believe, but that used to be Britney Spears. She looks like someone's grandmother now.

Mimi On the Cover of Interview Magazine

It looks like Mariah is back to doing what she does best-- appeariung nearly naked on magazine covers that I will I buy, yet never read. Surely, this must mean that a new CD is on the way. Using my "The Worse the Album Is, the Fewer Clothes She Will Wear" Theory, and the fact that we can see her bare ass, this one must be wretched

VH-1 Sunday

It was another stellar week for VH-1. The Rock of Love jaggernaut continues to roll on. The focus of this week's show was putting heat on the lead villians (Lacey and Heather) so that their eventual departure will be that much sweeter. This week it was Magdelina's time to exit. She was pretty much worthless as for as starting fights and cattiness. It's starting to look like Tattoo Girl is going to take this thing.

Hogan Knows Best was actually funny this week. The wife wanted to lose weight and get in shape, which I could have sworn they've done before. She hired some guy that looked like a typical 1980's WCW jobber. Hogan eventually threw hm out of the house for oogling his wife and for saying that wrestling looked fake. Not necessarily in that order.

Scott Baio is Single finally had the showdown where Scott "broke up" with his creepy friend, who was covered in mud at the time. Next week is the season finale. I sense a proposal.

Stuff Magazine Bites The Dust

Stuff Magazine has gone under, joining FHM, which went out of business earlier this year. Damn, where are today's third tier actresses supposed to go now for a career break?

Missing Link Dead

The Missing Link, one of the monster heels in the glory days of World Class Championship Wrestling in the 80's, died today of cancer. At least he made it to the age of 68. He also wrestled in St. Louis during the Wrestling At the Chase era under his real name of Dewey Robertson.

Ya Jinglin' Baby

Obviously, it's a slow news day.....

Hollywood: Nationwide and Coast To Coast

I've gone nationwide, folks. Guess who has a cameo appearance on the new TNA Lockdown 2007 DVD? That's right-- me! I'm now an international superstar. In the Bonus section of the DVD they have footage of the TNA Fanfest from April. About five minutes in, there is a clip of TNA backstage interviewer Leticia Cline (who will be on the cover of next month's Playboy Girls Next Door newsstand special, available at finer bookstores and Korean owned convenience stores near you) holding up a picture of me and her and saying we make a cute couple. Then you catch me on camera giggling. It's quite a humiliating debut. Besides myself, the DVD also features other superstars such as Sting, Kurt Angle, and Scott Steiner. But let's face facts: it's my appearance that is drawing the majority of the sales. I don't have the official stats right in front of me, but I think more women bought this DVD than any other release in the history of their company. TNA Wrestling: you're welcome.

Yeah-- she wishes!

Brian Adams a.k.a. "Crush", 1964-2007

Brian Adams, who wrestled under various names in WWE and WCW, including Crush, Demolition Crush, and the Kiss Demon, died today at the age of 43. He was found unconscious in his home this morning by his wife.

Rock of Love

Another excellent week of Rock of Love and now we are down to six. I think. Sadly, we had to say goodbye this week to Circus Boobs (above) after some of the other skanks' plotting finally paid off and she was given the boot. I'm sure that she will find a thriving career in either the online porn or carnival freak show industries. We at Hollywood Nation wish her the best in her endeavors.

The Week In Britney

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, the girl keeps digging a bigger hole for herself. The week started when she crashed into a parked car, then got out and only inspected the damage to her own car. She didn't leave any information and essentially fled the scene, which of course is against the law to us normal folks. The woman that she hit later reported the incident to the police.

Next, Britney appeared on the cover of US magazine. Remember when that used to be a good thing? The article basically detailed a night of debauchery that she had with some guy that she just met on the set of her recent music video. In addition, the guy was rumored to be gay. She sure knows how to pick 'em.

The week ended with Kevin Federline hiring a high powered lawyer to go after primary custody of their kids. Like she would care! Man, who would have ever thought that Federline would step up to the plate? At the rate she is going, I expect a one hour special edition of BET's Hot Ghetto Mess dedicated solely to Britney by the end of the year.

Even More Spice News

Congratulations to Emma Bunton a.k.a Baby Spice, who had a baby earlier this week. Wouldn't it be funny if Eddie Murphy were the father of this baby too? Regardless, let's hope that she hurrys up and gets the tot in a boarding school in Switzerland so we can get this reunion tour under way.

The Latest Reality Star

One of Hollywood Nations's favorite people to look at is getting her own reality show. According to zap2it.com:

"E! has announced that it will be turning its reality cameras on the daily life of "pop-culture princess" Kim Kardashian and her sisters Kourtney and Khloe. Supporting characters will include mom/manager Kris, and half sisters Kendall and Kylie."

Leave it to the E! Channel. Count me on board. At the very least, I will finally find out just what in the hell this young harlot does for a living.

More Spice News

Congratulations to Scary Spice, who made the ill-advised decision to get married earlier this week. Let's hope this goes better than her marriage to that back-up dancer a few years back and of course her recent curious realtionship with Reggie Hammond.

Gratuitous Spice Girls Update

Geri Halliwell/Ginger Spice takes a walk on the beach while preparing for the upcoming reunion tour.

WWE Ratings News

The ratings are in and Monday's WWE Raw featuring the return of "Mr. McMahon" did a 3.8, up from 2.5 last week. Which means that fans are guaranteed about 20 more straight weeks of Vince, Stephanie, The Son-In-Law, Shane, Linda, Marissa, the grandchildren, Hilda the Maid, Rover the Dog and which ever other family members they can come up with. And speaking of which, the show ended with a storyline where someone will be revealed as Vince's long lost child. Yes, now we have fake McMahons. I may be showing my age, but I yearn for the old days when the wrestlers were the stars of the wrestling shows. At the very least, I hope this ends up better than the fake Von Erich cousin from years ago.

756

I would offer congratulations if he wasn't such a total jagoff.

Quick Quiz

The government has asked for all documents related to your company's drug testing policy and there could be congressional hearings to investigate why so many people keep dropping dead in your industry. In response to this, you:

a. Gather all the documents and keep quiet until you find out what's going on

b. Make a statement that you are happy to cooperate with any government investigation because you are just as anxious to rid the industry of drugs as they are

c. Compare the government committees to "Barney Fife" on your weekly TV show

Oh no.........

VH-1 Weekend Wrap-Up

It was another stellar week. Rock of Love solidified itself as the best show currently on TV. Among this week's highlights: Circus Boobs showed a complete lack of musical ability by not being able to play the tambourine (but still is a frontrunner), there may or may not have been a foursome in the house, the heavily tattooed girl was revealed to possibly have morals, Rodeo turned out not only to be nuts and a crier, but she had hideous alien-like veins on her forehead when she cried. When it was all said and done, Rodeo was sent packing along with the loveable but trampy Meth Girl.

On Hogan Knows Best, it was the "Let's Do A Makeover" episode were they try new clothes on Hulk Hogan. I could have sworn they have already done this at least twice. The lowlight was Brooke exclaiming "I saw it! I saw my Dad's weiner!" Somebody actually got paid to write that. I believe that was the first use of the word "weiner" since a 1976 episode of Happy Days.

The Scott Baio show keeps rolling along also until the inevitable proposal at the end of the season. More ex-girlfriend and temptation nonsense this week. He also met his fiance's teenage daughter, who he will probably be trying to hit on in a few years.

Roger Wehrli: Hall of Famer

Congratulations to former St. Louis Cardinal Roger Wehrli, who was inducted into the Football Hall of Fame yesterday in Canton, Ohio. He was one of the few bright spots on those dismal Cardinals teams that I lived and died with every week in the late 70's and early 80's. I think they finished 5-11 for about ten years in a row. Wherli was probably one of the last white guys that could competently cover wide receivers. Brothers are just too fast for that now. Hell, even Jason Seyhorn in his absolute prime probably couldn't even cover me; I would have juked him out of his draws.

Going To The Chapel

In happier wedding news (and happier WWE news for once), there is going to be a wedding. It has been announced that the (fake) wedding of Smackdown GM Teddy Long and backstage interviewer Kristal Marshall will happen on the 9/21/07 season premiere of WWE Friday Night Smackdown. It's good for the fans because these weddings are usually pretty entertaining (even though most times no one actually gets married) and they benefit WWE by drawing good ratings. Past weddings have included:

• The Hillbilly Wedding (Uncle Elmer got married to some lady on Saturday Night's Main Event; Roddy Piper and Jesse "The Body" Ventura interrupted the ceremony; Elmer, Hillbilly Jim and Cousin Junior didn't get their hands on the bad guys but did stomp on Cowboy Bob Orton's hat)

• "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Elizabeth (the televised ceremony went off without a hitch; the next week on TV we found out that Jake "The Snake" Roberts tried to attack the bride and groom with a snake at the reception)

• Test and Stephanie McMahon (creepy moment as Vince leered at his daughter's fake boobs; Triple H stopped the ceremony to announce that he and Stephanie were already married)

• Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson's Dad (they got married in their underwear; the groom "died" on their wedding night; Dawn broke a lamp over her step-daughter Torrie Wilson's head at the subsequent wake)

• Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo (the infamous gay wedding; ended with the preacher taking off his mask to reveal Eric Bischoff, leading to 3 Minute Warning attacking the grooms and Stephanie McMahon)

• Kane and Lita (Lita and Trish Stratus had a brawl; the vows included Lita saying that she hoped Kane got hit by a car; Matt Hardy tried to save Lita but they were stopped by a wall of fire)

As you can see, they have some big shoes to follow. My money is on Kristal leaving Teddy at the altar and moving on to some new guy.

NOOOOOOO!

"(Brothers) never listen/they gotta learn they lesson/the hard way, I'm guessing"-- The Pharcyde from the song "Y?" (1995)

After making the right decision last week and calling off the wedding, Usher had a lapse of judgement yesterday and married his girlfriend, who is ten years older than him with three kids and an alledged shady past. He should just give her half of his stuff right now to save the trouble later. You just hate to see it. He should have listened to his mother. Damn, there goes his Confessions money.

The Calvary

Vince is rising from the "dead" on Monday to help boost the ratings. Good luck with that.

And Just Because

It's the Spice Girls' official 2007 team picture. My oh my, things ain't what they used to be.

The Ratings Are In...

(It's an old joke but I can't help myself): Did you catch WWE Raw on Monday? Neither did anyone else. The show did a 2.5 rating on Monday (down from 3.4 the previous week) , which is a ten-year low. In addition, Tuesday's ECW show on the Sci-Fi Network got a 1.29 rating, which is flirting dangerously with the mark TNA Impact gets each week-- and sadly most of the population doesn't even know that show exists. Also, the stock is down. Trouble. I sense they may do something desperate.

They've Done It Again

As if VH-1 isn't monopolizing my time as it is, it looks like they've struck upon another gem of a show. According to perezhilton.com, they are starting a new show called Celebrity Rehab. Among those listed as appearing were Mary Carey, Tom Sizemore, Brigette Nielson and the one and only Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer (above). Well, I'm on board.

VH-1 Weekend Shows

The funniest thing this week was the Wrestling Observer noting that Linda said that some episodes of Hogan Knows Best are actually "reinactments" of incidents from real life. I'm sure this week was one of those times. The family had to be in different places so they auditioned bodyguards to send with little Brooke. Hogan chose the fattest guy, who also turned out to be the most annoying. Brooke got rid of him by telling Daddy that he had a crush on her. Another compelling half hour.



Rock of Love continues to get greater each week. I just love the 80's burnout element of this show. I feel like I should watch it while I am wearing a faded blue jean jacket with a wool collar. Anyway, this week the girl with the red hair revealed herself to be a complete PETA psycho and tried to provoke the black girl into a fight. I guess the plan worked as the PETA nut stayed and the black girl got ousted. Next week is crunch time as most of the floaters have gone and one of the girls that the audience is familiar with will be cut. I wish the show could go on for fifty more weeks.