American Idol Season Premiere

Questions after watching a half hour of the insufferable American Idol season premiere:

1. After the bloodletting of the judges from last season, how on earth did Randy Jackson survive the cut?  Does he have a picture of one of the producers with a frog?

2. I love Mariah Carey, but I don't want to hear her talk.  That wasn't really a question, but you get the point.

3. The very sight of Nicki Minaj makes you long for the "good ol' days" of Paula Abdul's incoherent ramblings.

4.  Who is this brother dancing for chicken in the Applebee's ads?

Celebrity Apprentice

NBC advertised that they would bring the crazy with this season of Celebrity Apprentice and I'll be damned if they didn't deliver. What they lack in star power, they sure made up in headcases. At the top of the pack is Gary Busey, who is like the Michael Jordan of crazy reality contestants. There isn't one scene where he doesn't deliver. You know when Lil' Jon almost looks sane, you have reality magic on your hands. I feel bad that David Cassidy got voted off first but at least he got to plug that his daughter works on Gossip Girl about 18 times. It's gonna be a great season. Good work, NBC!

Dancing Is JERICHO!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the next season of Dancing with the Stars.... CHRIS JERICHO! Cheryl Burke is clearing off room in her trophy case as we speak!

Survivor/American Idol

Wow-- and we thought Naonka was crazy last season! Survivor debuted last night and dropped Phillip on us, perhaps the craziest contestant yet. The man just unravled during the tribal council. His pronounciation of "Francesqua" was one of the funniest moments in the series history. I was hoping he would get voted off though so we never have to see him walking around in draws again. This is shaping up to be one of the best seasons.

Over on American Idol, the group round was pretty good. I loved the flashback in the beginning of the obnoxius guy a few seasons ago who exclaimed "I DO NOT DO GROUPS!" I was kind of sorry to see the Latin drama queen girl leave (and she dragged that blonde girl down with her). By the end of the show, I was so sick of seeing the guy who auditioned with his ex-girlfriend (who looked like Diamond Dallas Page). I was elated when he ironically forgot the words to "Forget You" and was promptly booted. Tonight: we're down to 50!

Holly's World

Week Two of Holly's World wasn't as good as Week One (and how could it be?), but it was tolerable. No appearance by the arch enemy this week, which was a huge mistake. This broad needs to be mixing it up every week. This week's episode centered around Holly going to the Playboy mansion to confront Hugh Hefner about his new fiance. Bascially, the broad talked a lot of shit and went soft when she got there. She met the new fiance and couldn't have been nicer. I just wish someone on the show would acknowledge how ridiculous it is for Hefner to be dating someone so young. Realistically, he should be dating Betty White. Oh well. Hopefully next week we will see the return of Jayde.

(Photo from eonline.com)

Kourtney and Kim Take New York

Unfortunately, not all of the news was good on E! last night. I suffered through forty minutes of the new show Kourtney and Kim Take New York, which is about two of the Kardashian sisters (the most bodacious one and the most annoying one) opening a store in New York. This episode centered around Kim trying the dating scene and Kourtney getting back together with her shithead of a boyfriend, Scott. This guy belongs on the next season of Tool Academy. For Pete's sake, at one point he even wore a sweater tied around his neck, pretty much the international sign of douchebaggery. In addition, Kourtney's voice was SO annoying, she probably had people reaching for the mute button all across the country. Those two are a match for each other. This show needs less talking and more ass. I don't know if I can stand another week of-- OMG look at Kim's ass in that picture above!

(Photo from eonline.com)

My New Favorite Show

I never watched The Girl's Next Door, Kendra or Holly's World prior to last night, but if they've been anything like last night's season premiere of Holly's World, I've been a complete idiot. This show was fantastic. If you haven't seen it, it's about former Playboy Playmate Holly Madison and her life in Las Vegas. There were two plot points in this episode. First of all, the producers of Holly's Vegas show said that she needed to lose weight. One of the producers said she needed to cut back on the chicken fingers and fries and start eating healthier things like celery sticks. If he had told her to start eating brown rice and vegetables (Showgirls reference) I would have howled. The second plot was the appearance of her arch enemy (a younger Playmate). Yes, she has an ARCH ENEMY! It's just like Batman and the Penquin-- if the Penquin was smoking hot. And this broad was a fantasic arch enemy. She ridiculed Holly about her age ("32 is like 60 in Vegas years") and then stole her gay friend away at Holly's birthday party. The show ended with Holly getting the news that her ex, Hugh Hefner, was engaged to some young golddigger. She was sad about it and they showed a montage of Holly and Hefner together, with her saying things like "I thought we were going to get married and settle down" over pictures of her looking about 20 and him looking about 105. It was absurd. Next week she is going to confront the new couple. I cannon wait.

(Photo from eonline.com)

DWTS Rant

What a mess on Dancing with the Stars last night. Poor Brandy, the best dancer of the whole season, got cut and the slow-motion, charisma-challenged Bristol Palin survived yet another week. The fun got taken out of the show like a balloon with a hole in it. I don't know if I will even bother to watch the finals next week. Who wants to see them put the crown on Bristol's giant head? I'd rather watch something with more integrity, like pro wrestling. Plus if I have to see that clip of Bristol sticking her tongue out and playing air guitar one more time, I might get sick.

Dancing with the Stars

This Bristol Palin thing is really bringing a damper on the season. Even two performances from the Roots and John Legend couldn't save last night's show. They're going to have to bring in Janet Jackson, Prince and Ric Flair next year to make up for this debacle. In the meantime, here's a show that never disappoints, the Spin Cycle!:

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

I seem to watch this show every other season, so I decided to catch last night's season premiere of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. As usual, this show is best watched with the sound down, but in the best interest of this review, I decided to listen in. This episode's main plot was that Kim was moving into her new mansion. MANSION! This broad done built an empire off of having a big ass! You have to give her credit though for working this thing to this level. Anyway, although she didn't want people touching anything in the house, her increasingly annoying mother decided to hold a housewarming party there. It ended in an embarrassing food fight. There was frosting all over the floor and her mother, who apparantly has never cleaned before, said that everyone should grab a broom.

The subplot involved Khloe not letting Kourtney's tool of a babydaddy in her house. I don't blame her; you can't help but hate this guy. At the end, Kourtney moved out of Khloe's house and into Kim's. This show raised three questions: 1) Why can't she get her own place?, 2) why on earth is she still with this guy with zero redeeming qualities?, and 3) how is this thing still on the air? I'll try to watch this again next week. Hopefully more ass and less talk.

(Photo from eonline.com)

American Idol

I think the most surprising thing about Tuesday's show was that Miley Cyrus was much less annoying than I thought she would be. Sure, her smokey, husky ass voice grates on your nerves but she gave good advice and seemed genuinely enthused. It was another poor night for the contestants, with Mike and Crystal as the standouts. I'm tired of the judges saying that it's bad song choices-- these people just can't sing! Were Ellen and Kara on crack when they heaped praise on Shirtless Boy's listless version of "Power of Love"? I think Paige might be in trouble, but Tim Urban and The Guy Who Sang The Paula Abdul Song deserve to go before her.

American Idol

Poor Keith Richards. If he watched American Idol last night (and there was about zero chance of that), he probably stared at his screen while repeatedly mumbling "what the fook?" There were some pretty sad performances on Rolling Stone night. In fact, I think the show may have hurt record sales. The only way Tim Urban can stay after his wretched reggae number will be if one of the non-descript girls goes home. There are plenty to choose from. Personally, I liked Big Mike, Paige, and Cristal. Results should be interesting. I'm dreading a group performance of "Satisfaction".

American Idol

It was the guy's turn and the were predictably mediocre. If I had seen one more bland fool strumming a guitar to some lackluster song, I was going to turn to a Full House rerun. The first six guys were dreadful. I wish we could vote all six off. Who outside of their immediate family would buy any of these songs? The last two guys saved the day, especially Big Mike with his rendition of "This Woman's Work" (the Maxwell and Kate Bush versions are above). Who's going home tonight? Take your pick.

American Idol

What a terrible week for American Idol. They finally got down to 24 contestants this week. Of course they dragged out the process and that three hours of television seemed like six years. And some of the choices they made were absurd. It became almost comical how talented singers (read: black) got cut as the judges fawned over marginal talent that screwed up all througout Hollywood Week. It was ridiculous. I really hope this is the last year for the show.

Megan Wants A Millionaire

VH-1 has done it again with one of their latest offerings, Megan Wants A Millionaire. The show centers around former Rock of Love and I Love Money contestant Megan searching for love (like every other VH-1 show). The twist about this show is that all of the guys vying for Megan are allegdley millionaires. Like the wrestler I'VE NEVER HEARD OF. One of the saving graces is that each show will feature a cameo from one of my favorite reality contestants of all-time, sweet little Brandi C. from Rock of Love. Anyway, the show is decent and has a few different twists to keep your interest. The first episode seemed like she was favoring the black guy, but he kind of faded in the second episode. I was a little bummed in the second episode when my favorite character, the goofy plumber, got the boot. He made an awful song for her, which she didn't like, so he tried it again by slowing it down and it was fantastically awful. This show is a keeper.

(Photo from vh1.com)

Adam Lambert Out of the Closet

American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert announced via Rolling Stone magazine yesterday that he is gay. In other breaking news, grass is green and the sky is blue.

(Photo from rollingstone.com)

Brooke Knows Best

Sunday was the return of the most contrived reality show of them all, Brooke Knows Best. I think every single frame of it is as scripted as The Office or Law and Order. With that said, I can't pull myself away from it. The season premiere addressed the problems between Daddy Hulk and her mother, who is now dating a teenager. Brooke was also introduced to Hulk's new girlfriend, the one who creepily looks just like Brooke. Sometimes I kind of felt bad for Hulk, especially on the part when he said he sacrified his body to buy that house and now some teenager was living in it. He even cried in the episode. Anyway, it was good episode and the season should be pretty good with upcoming shows focusing on Brooke going on a date with a girl (?) and putting out another wretched CD.

(Photo from vh1.com)

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here

I caught most of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here last night. The only reason I'm watching the show is because former WWE Superstar Torrie Wilson (above) is part of the cast. She actually got a decent amount of facetime, so I was pleased with that. Unfortuantely, most of the show was built around making some clown from one of those MTV reality shows into the main heel. It would have worked if him and his woman weren't such bad actors. They pretended to walk off the show a couple of times and had a few contrived fights. It got old quickly. Luckily they dropped it in the second hour and concentrated more on the Survivor-ripoff aspects of the show. The show was decent but as soon as Torrie gets cut, I'm out.

(Photo from nbc.com)

Celebrity Apprentice

Congratulations to Joan Rivers, who won the second season of Celebrity Apprentice last night (I posted a picture of Deal or No Deal's Claudia Jordan above, because who wants to sit around looking at pictures of Joan Rivers). I went back and forth throughout the three hour finale about who was more annoying between Joan and the Poker Player, but I think Joan was about 2% less annoying when it was all said and done. In the end, you knew Trump was going to select the bigger celeb anyway. Great season and I'm looking forward to another edition.

(Photo from nbc.com)

Daisy Of Love

A couple of days ago in real life, Poor Daisy was hospitalized for "exhaustion" (likely a code word for something else), but apparently she is fine now. Slow down, baby. Anyway, back to the fictional world of reality TV, Daisy of Love continues to chug along. Somehow last week I missed that my favorite character "Weasel" was cut. That's a damn shame. Rock dudes who are stuck in the 80's are funny as hell. On this week's extravaganza, it was week three of the show so like clockwork on every other VH-1 reality show, it was time for the token black cast member to get booted. I'm not sure who she is going to pick out of this creepy group that is left, but I am going out on a limb and going for a surprise ending of Rikki Rachtman throwing his hat in the ring in the final episode and asking the broad out. He follows her around like a sick puppy dog anyway, so he might as well. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to more tattling and whining on next week's show.

(Photo from vh1.com)