Notes on Last Night's MTV Video Music Awards

A review of last night's MTV Video Music Awards:


- I heard the show was going to start with one of my favorites, Lady Gaga, so I was excited about that… until she actually hit the stage. She was dressed like a guy. She looked like the guy from Karate Kid. She give this speech where she went on and on and pretended to be Lady Gaga's boyfriend. This thing went on ten minutes too long-- and the segment was only five minutes. She then played “You and I”, which is just not the same without the boots and without her ass hanging out. She was joined by the guitarist from Queen. I’m sure he was sorry to be dragged into this mess. I hated this segment with a passion.

- And we’re off!

- There was no official host for the show, but comedian Kevin Hart introduced the show and did skits throughout. His monologue was hit and miss. He did a joke about the cast of Jersey Shore spreading STDs and they actually seemed happy about it. Maybe they didn’t understand. Earlier this week, I read that Pauly D of the Jersey Shore said he wouldn’t consider going on Dancing with the Stars until his career was on the decline. Um, holmes, that would be right about now.

- Nicki Minaj and Jonah Hill presented the first award of the night, Best Pop Song, which went to Britney Spears for her song that sounds like it should be in a Six Flags commercial promoting a new ride. BTW, Britney’s back to being hot. It was a slow road back. It’s almost like the head shaving days never happened.

- A big test for me was seeing if I could recognize the names of any of the nominees for Best New Artist. I got one out of five. I’m so old.

- Kanye West and Jay-Z hit the stage for a surprise performance of their song “Otis”. This was hip hop its finest. I should have stopped watching the show right here and ended on a happy note.

- Was this Kanye’s first award appearance since the Taylor Swift fiasco? You know the one thing that was lost in that whole debacle? He was absolutely right! I have never seen a Taylor Swift video (and with any luck, I never will) but there’s NO WAY it could have been better than Beyonce’s epic “Single Ladies” video. Ain’t no way! Sure, he shouldn’t have stormed the stage, but that’s a different story.

- Nicki Minaj won the Best Hip Hop Award (dear Lord) and declared that Lil Wayne was the best rapper alive. Poor delusional girl…

- Adele performed. I know she’s supposed to be the big thing, but I’m just not down. Maybe someday.

- Kim Kardashian and Her Ass co-presented the Best Male award to Justin Beiber. He looked goofy as ever and got all religious on us.

- Chris Brown performed. How is this happening? I’m astounded every time I see the guy back on stage. I would have bet money that his career was over after the Rihanna incident. His performance was good and he got a standing ovation-- except from Jay-Z, who sat and sipped from a cup as if nothing was going on. Phenomenal.

- Lady Gaga, still dressed as a man, came out to present the career achievement award to Britney. They teased what would have been a very awkward kiss and thankfully they didn’t go through with it. Britney’s voice was deep as hell. She sounded like she should be doing AM drive-time radio. And it was weird, because although she looked really nice, she looked like a linebacker when standing next to Gaga.

- Beyonce gave a nice little performance and showed off her baby bump at the end. Somebody commented on the Entertainment Weekly live chat that “Kelly Rowland will be the aunt that no one likes”.

- There were a bunch of presenters throughout the night that I didn’t recognize. I just figured they were all from Twilight or Glee.

- The girls from Jersey Shore came out to present with Cloris Leachman. The girls were all orange and not very attractive. Cloris was using their lingo and said she was DTF. The crowd went wild. Since I am no longer hip, I had to go look this up…

- Dear God…

- They gave an award to Gaga, still continuing this “I’m Lady Gaga’s boyfriend” character, which was beyond annoying by now.

- Russell Brand gave a longwinded intro to the Amy Winehouse tribute, which included words from Tony Bennett, footage from earlier this year of a recording session between Tony and Amy (she looked wonderful), and Bruno Mars singing “Valerie”.

- The little broad from Dawson’s Creek came out to present the Video of the Year award to Katy Perry. At this point, I didn’t even want to know why she had a big yellow box on the top of her head.

- Lil Wayne got the closing slot. Man was this terrible. I have to give the guy credit for being so obviously dreadful, but convincing the general public that he’s this terrific rapper. It’s fascinating. I was greatly hoping that he would pull his pants up, but it was to no avail. He did the worst lip synching this side of Milli Vanilli in 1990. He ended the performance by saying his new album went on sale at midnight. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This was wretched.

As was most of the show. They need to bring back Chris Rock and Madonna in her wedding dress next year.