Weekend Wrap-Up

VH-1 has done it again. The new season of Celebrity Fit Club and Flava of Love: Charm School are GOLD. PURE GOLD. On week 2 of Fit Club, Screech tried to become the center of attention by discussing his sex tape, which of course grossed everyone out. Later he lost nine pounds, but claimed that he was still eating huge amount of junk food and not exercising, which of course was a lie. He was pissing everyone off. Da Brat verbally beat him down twice and he didn't even attempt a comeback. Well, until everyone had walked off, then he started talking all possible trash. The previews for next week showed the contestants seeing what he said about them, including calling sweet Kimberley (above) a "loser" because she finished third on American Idol. Then she BURIED him. It was an absolute BURIAL. I cannot wait for next week.

To add to all of that, Warren G (who did lose nine pounds) kept calling one of the advisors to ask if he could have fried chicken and cognac. Just classic.

That show was followed by Charm School and it may have actually topped Fit Club. Put a bunch of skanks who got cut from Flava of Love and put them in a house together to try to reform their ways. Whoever came up with the concept is a genius. It's one hour of pure cattiness. The show surprised me a little also because it only set the image of women back about 20 years. Not bad. Yesterday's episode revolved around the girls splitting into teams and trying to dress one member up for a fashion contest. They could only use materials that were found around the house. This resulted in the hilarious sight of one girl being dressed in curtains. The dress didn't have a back and of the girls said (with a straight face) that her back looked like "Twinkies and fat". She also had these ridiculous feathers on her eyes. This is the new greatest show of all-time.

I meant to go see "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in "The Condemned" this weekend-- then the reviews came in. I can't remember a movie in recent times that got such bad reviews. This is why WWE Films (yeah, there is such a thing) didn't release it's first two movies in advance for reviews. Good move. Their second movie, The Marine starring WWE Champ John Cena, was the worst movie that I've seen since Xanadu starring Olivia Newton John. The Condemned reportedly finished ninth for about four million dollars. Ouch. WWE hopes to make it up on DVD sales, which means in about two months we will have ten minutes of ads for this flop inserted into each wrestling show.


Locally, Channel Four and Channel Five have been trying to scare me to death, the networks have been running specials and new episodes, and Tyra Banks grabbed Rosie O'Donnell's boobs last week: I smell sweeps again! By the time November sweeps rolls around, I fully expect Tyra to be fondling Hillary Clinton's rack. Homegirl, is totally off the chain.

Idol Gives Back, Part Two

Sure it was depressing, but it was much better than I thought it would be. The eliminations really didn't seem all that important compared to the issues that were being presented. I mean, how can you care if Chris or Lakisa is being voted off after seeing the little kid that Ryan called the World's Hardest Working Father? It was a nice touch that they didn't cut anyone this week, but it hardly lived up to the "Most Shocking Results Ever!!!" hype. The non-cut did seem appropriate on this week though. Hated the all-white outfits. All the performances were very nice. The comedy was good most of the time, especially the "Staying Alive" and Simpsons skits. Celine and "Elvis" were okay. Glad to see that Kelly Clarkson and the show have patched up their differences. Was it me or was she looking a little healthier tonight?

Conspiracy theory: It sure seems that the producers and judges are kind of pushing Jordin, since they want a younger person to win this season (instead of like Taylor Hicks last year or perhaps Melinda this year). Very subtle things like positioning her last on Tuesday and out-of-nowhere praise like Randy saying that her song on Tuesday was among the best ever on the show (it was good, but it wouldn't even be in the top 20). Then last night they did the fake elimination where it looked like she was cut (nobody even bought it) and then came the waterworks. Now she might get the sympathy vote and ensure her safety for a couple of more weeks. Just a theory that I came up with during last night's Good Times.

Idol Gives Back, Part One

It's the heavily hyped "Idol Gives Back" Week, a special two-parter where money is being raised for charity. The songs are supposed to be inspirational or songs of hope. I will be grateful if we can just get through the night without hearing "God Bless The U.S.A.".

First up is Chris with the Eric Clapton/Babyface song "Change the World". Not bad, but it just made you want to hear the real version. Nice Timberlesque suit. The judges liked it.

This is like a whole different show without that goof that got voted off last week. What a relief. There is a more major league feel. Second is Melinda. I think she did a Faith Hill song. She nailed it of course. The judges ate it up. Ryan made note that Simon looked like he was missing a button. His shirt was unbuttoned like it was 1977. Blake was next. He did "Imagine" by John Lennon. If Madonna couldn't pull it off, I don't know why he thought he could. The song was a little ambitious for him. It was forgettable. The judges were lukewarm. Also he had his coat collar up and looked like an idiot.

It's Lakisha's turn. She better pick a good song this week. She chose "I Believe" by Fantasia. Hmmm. She managed to pull it off. It was good for second place thus far on tonight's show but it wasn't without flaws. The judges largely panned it, mostly because Fantasia sings it better. Uh oh.

Phil was next. Had to get in that mention of how much he missed his babies. He did a Garth Brooks song that had inspired him. He did a good job with it. With that said, how has he floated by this far into the competition? Jordin (above) closed the show with "Never Walk Alone". She nailed it. She is a legitimate frontrunner. Randy said it was one of the best performances ever on the show. I don't know about all that, but it certainly beat the hell out of last week's "Let Give Them Something To Talk About".

Either Chris or Lakisha will be gone this week. Tomorrow's two hour show should be nice and agonizing.

It's Officially Over

It took fifteen years and I hate to toot my own horn, but I TOLD YA SO! Well, me and about ten thousand other people told ya so. Bobby and Whitney are officially divorced. Sure, they gave it a good run and gave us a hell of a show, but it wasn't destined to last. I want to say thanks for all of the classic moments: the mug shots, the court appearances, that terrible duet song in the early 90's, the late night gas station stop, the picture of the dirty sink, the sweaty "crack is wack" interview, and the most embarrassing reality show in the history of man. Thanks for the memories you crazy kids.

On The Comeback Trail?

Do my eyes deceive me? Could it really be true? From the picture above, it does appear that Britney is back in shape-- and dare I say it-- almost looking respectable again! Who would have thought? Maybe it isn't over for her after all. Granted, she is still crazy as a pet coon (did you see her "valley girl" tapes last week?), but if she is hot again, we can cut her some slack. She might be on the road to the glory days again. Next thing you know, she will have a full head of hair again and will be putting out a new CD full of shitty, yet very catchy pop tunes. Stay tuned to see how this major development plays out.

Weekend Wrap-Up

Celebrity Fit Club, one of my favorite reality shows, returns tonight on VH-1. This time it's men vs. women. Among this season's cast is my favorite American Idol contestant of all-time Kimberley Locke (above), Marcia Brady, Jay Leno's goofy intern, and Screech from Saved By The Bell, who I heard was ultra-annoying on this show. That should help to boost his career prospects. E! News did an interview with Kimberley which apparently took place after the taping of the show and lets just say she was THE WINNER.

One of the young ladies (Kristine Lefebvre, above) from this season of The Apprentice that no one is watching has agreed to appear in Playboy. If it outsells the Carnie Wilson issue, I will be in shock.

Congratulations go out to Hazelwood's own Randy Orton, who according to about five different internet reports, was sent home early from the WWE European tour for disiplinary reasons. According to unconfirmed reports, he trashed a hotel room. Way to make us proud. I read a debate on one of the message boards about whether he would get fired or not. In my opinion, it's all up to how Vince McMahon feels about him. If he's fed up with the guy, he'll let him go. He's had about three or four chances to straighten up but apparently he can't behave like reasonable humans. If Orton should leave WWE, they won't make one dime more or one dime less in revenue. It's not like he would show up in TNA and just jumpstart that promotion either. If I was a gambling man, I would say he's gone. Well, he'll always have that one month title reign to tell his grandkids about.

In brighter news, I've been watching the Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen DVD that was recently released and it is fantastic. The Ole Anderson interviews are terrifying. Tully Blanchard is great as always. Even the section on the Paul Roma era was funny. To me, the greatest lineup of the Horsemen was Flair, Tully, Arn Anderson and Barry Windham (above, right). That's probably when I started cheering the bad guys. I remember after one show here in St. Louis (this had to be around 1988) my friend Geoff and I stopped at the Marriott by the airport where we knew all the wrestlers stayed. After we had gotten some autographs and were leaving, a big limo pulled up and Flair, Windham and some high class broads popped out. Flair announced "Ladybugs, we made it!" The chauffeur brought out all Louis Vuitton luggage out of the trunk. They really did live that lifestyle. It was unreal. Geoff went up to them and they graciously autographed his Four Horsemen hat. I stayed hiding behind some bushes. I didn't want to be the next victim of a parking lot attack like Lex Luger and Dusty Rhodes. I had issues. Ahhh, the memories. If you are a wrestling fan, by all means, get this DVD.

And What Ya Gonna Do When BaldwinMania Goes Wild On YOU?

Did you hear that telephone rant that Alec Baldwin left for his eleven year old daughter? I saw it halfway through on TV and I thought he was cutting an old school wrestling interview. By the time he got to the line "you better be ready, Friday the 20th, to meet me" I was wondering how much the ticket prices were going to be. The rant would have been fine if he was vowing revenge on an ex-tag team partner or something, but I just couldn't believe he said all of that to an eleven year old girl. Your boy is off the chain. How is he ever going to go on Saturday Night Live again after this?

A lot of people are putting the blame on his ex-wife Kim Basinger for making the tape public. But you can't blame her-- after all, she was in Batman. And I like Batman. And even though she knew that Bruce Wayne was Batman, she didn't reveal it to anyone. So she can't be all bad.

Finally.....

Sanjaya, we hardly knew ya. (Now somebody please escort this clown off the stage!)

Random Thoughts During American Idol

It's country night, which I usually look forward to as much as a trip to the dentist. Martina McBride is the guest this week. I missed the first couple of minutes of the show, which is just as well. I joined with Phil in progress. did a decent job on his song. The judges loved it. Randy said he could have a career in country music. I'm sure Nashville would welcome him with open arms. Maybe he saved himself this week.

After the first break, it's Jordin. She choose a Martina McBride song. Martina thought it was "awesome". She did very well. The judges liked this one also. Simon said for the first time since he's met her, he thinks she can win American Idol. After yet another break, it's your boy Sanjaya. He's rocking a wannabe gangsta bandana today. In response to a question, he said if he could make one judge sing a song, he would make Simon sing "Shiny Happy People" by REM. The kid is a riot. He stumbled through a very bland rendition of "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About". Simon called it was utterly horrendous. But don't worry, the clown will be back next week.

He was followed by Lakisha. She chose a Carrie Underwood song. Uh oh. She finally faltered. I would imagine she is going home this week. Chris was next. He did a country song. It was atrocious. He is on the bubble as well. Melinda did a song that apparently no one had ever heard before. She shined as usual. With prodding from Simon, she is shedding the shy act and coming out of her shell. She is the frontrunner.

The show ended with Blake. The start of it was about average and then I fell asleep on it. The judges didn't care for it. I can't even fathom the bottom three this week. If the show had any credibility, it would be Sanjaya, Chris, and Blake. Instead look for Lakisha to actually finish with fewer votes than Sanjaya, which will kill the show dead in its tracks.

Even More Photos from the TNA Weekend

The Samoan Submission Machine, Samoa Joe

What I'm thinking:

What Christy is thinking:

(audio required)

Hollywood and Black Machismo

Oh, you didn't know? Yo ass betta call somebody! It's the New Age Outlaws, er, the Voodoo Kin Mafia!

The Lethal Lockdown match at the St. Charles Arena

More Photos From TNA Weekend in St. Louis

Christy!

Gail Kim signs her life away

Me and Jim Cornette

The lovely So Cal Val

The Pride of Tennessee, The Pride of St. Louis and James Storm

Highlights from The TNA Weekend in St. Louis

On Sunday, St. Louis was the host for Total Nonstop Action's Lockdown show, which was televised nationally on pay-per-view. The weekend included an autograph session on Friday, a fan convention on Saturday and the live show on Sunday. This had to be my favorite wrestling weekend since WrestleMania 17 in Houston.

I am sooooo putting this on my Christmas cards this year.

Things started off on Friday. After work, I headed to the Slacker's CDs and Games in St. Charles for an autograph session with TNA wrestler Lance Hoyt and The World's Hottest Backstage Interviewer, Leticia Cline (above). I saw my friend Vaughn there and he took the pictures. He managed to capture my good side. I brought the Maxim magazine that Leticia had appeared in and she seemed thrilled. See, this is why I never throw anything away. During one skit on TNA Impact a few weeks ago, Alex Shelley called her "Debbie Harry" (the lead singer of Blondie). There is some similarity but I don't think Debbie Harry would look as good as Leticia in a swimsuit. I wonder if Leticia can sing "Heart of Glass" though? Perhaps they should put that on Impact. Hoyt was pretty funny and really tall. I was surprised that we could both fit in the same frame. With some more time in the ring and some interview time, I think he could be a big-time player someday.

LAX and STL

The next day I headed to the Hilton by the airport for the fan convention. It was held in the ballroom from about 1 to 5. There was a huge crowd. I chatted in line with a guy from Scotland, so as fate would have it, the guy from the farthest distance away and the guy from the least distance away were right in line together. The first line that I got in was to meet Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks-- okay, just to see Ms. Brooks. And I did indeed see Ms. Brooks. If I may steal a line from the movie Showgirls: Very nice. Very nice. Among the other highlights:

- Jeremy Borash hosted the event and did a good job. At one point, one of the wrestlers insulted him and the crowd chanted "You Got Served!" Then in his announcer's voice he replied "Yes indeed, I did just get served."

- The longest lines were for Sting and Kurt Angle. Due to time constraints, I chose to skip them and go to shorter lines. I did manage to finally meet two of my all-time favorites, Jim Cornette and Raven. Cornette was cracking one-liners with the fans and was very funny. Raven was more subdued.

- The most laid back and cool of everyone was James Storm and The Pride of Tennessee, Jackie Moore. Storm had empty beer bottles with his own label on the them. They need to have more Storm/Moore skits like the time they went to the convenince store and saw Eric Young. Classic material. Storm seems like he's pretty funny in real life.

- Christy Hemme is insanely hot. Just insanity. It didn't even make any sense. I almost started singing one of those old R. Kelly songs. In fact, I am right now.

- One of the loudest reactions was when the fans were asked what wrestler they might like to see come to TNA. There were huge chants of "RVD" and "Y2J". We shall see.

The great Kurt Angle

- Just as I took a bathroom break and gave myself the "Hey, I have actually seen you look fatter" pep talk in the mirror, I saw color commentator Don West walk in. We chatted and he seemed really nice and friendly, just like on TV. On the way back in, Abyss and James Mitchell were leaving the ballroom. I should have followed them out just so I could have seen the reaction on the faces of the regular hotel guests when they saw this giant, sweaty man in a mask followed by a guy in a bright red suit that looked like the devil. That would have been priceless.

- When I was sitting in the hallway of the lobby going through my things, I could hear some of the wrestlers down the hall. I heard someone (I assume it was Raven) call Seratonin by the name "Serajabronin". Then I heard "Hello, hello, hello-- hello!" like the Three Stooges used to say it.

President Carter and that guy

The last person that I got to meet was the President of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, Dixie Carter. She was walking around in the crowd and talking with fans. I finally got an opportunity for one on one time with the top person in TNA. So what did I say during my big chance? Was it:
a) Have you ever thought about changing the name of the company?
b) Ever thought about completely overhauling the creative team?
c) Could you give Cornette the book?
or
d) Thanks for bringing the show to St. Louis!

Oh yes, oh yes, it was "d". What else was I gonna say? It was like in A Christmas Story when the kid finally gets to see Santa, then asks for a football instead of the Red Ryder B.B. gun. She was very polite and asked how I was enjoying the show. I told her that I was a long time fan and thanked her for coming to this city. Hey, these folks are guests in this city; it wouldn't be good manners to start asking about booking changes and such. Anyway, she was very personable and quite striking.

The live show on Sunday was a mixed bag. The show was all cage matches. It was my first time seeing several of the wrestlers live including Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles, and Christopher Daniels. The best matches were the X-Division escape match (the crowd was going crazy for everything that Black Machismo did), Senshi vs. Austin Aries and the Lethal Lockdown match. On the flip side, we had to deal with the goofiness of the fake electricity in the Electrified Cage Match and the dreadful Blindfold Match between James Storm and Chris Harris. This year St. Louis has been host to the fake Rosie vs. fake Donald fiasco on Raw (which was also main evented by John Cena vs. Great Khali) and now the Blindfold debacle. It's almost like some kind of karmic payback for all of those years of good Ric Flair and Harley Race matches. I am absolutely terrified of what atrocity might occur at Judgement Day next month.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. I got to meet some cool wrestling folks and I had fun with my friends at the matches on Sunday. Can't ask for more than that. I'll be back later with some more photos.

Pictures from TNA Lockdown Weekend

I haven't updated for a a couple of days because I've been busy with the festivities here in town for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling's Lockdown live pay-per-view show. I will have more details of the highlights later but in the meantime here are some random pix:

Me and Lance Hoyt during an autograph signing at Slacker's on Friday.

A look at the fan convention in the ballroom at the Airport Hilton on Saturday.

Ms. Brooks!

Gail Kim and Michael Vick.

"Black Machismo" Jay Lethal signs.

American Idol Results

That sure was nice of the Fox network to donate all of that money to the American Idol charity last night-- then extend the show an extra half hour to generate more ad revenue. Very clever. Well, the rat guy stayed and Haley left. She probably stayed about three more weeks than she should have anyway. It was for the best, because if she had stayed any more time, the only thing left would have been to wear sheer lingerie and hooker boots. At least she gets to keep some dignity this way. See ya in Penthouse, toots! I don't even have words for that J-Lo segment. I think the performance may have harmed sales more than they helped. What I wouldn't give to hear a five minute conversation between Paula and J-Lo. I'm sure that would be stimulating intellectual fare.


I was sorry to hear about the passing of actor Roscoe Lee Brown, who died yesterday at the age of 81. The Emmy award winning actor had numerous roles over the years in movies, TV and in plays. I'll always remember him for the role of "The Happiness Man" Reverend Sam in a memorable episode of Good Times and an appearance on the Cosby Show where he and Cliff Huxtable teamed up in a card game to beat Cliff's Dad and his friend, then got to humiliate them by rubbing their heads.

Random Thoughts During American Idol

It's the long awaited Jennifer Lopez episode of American Idol. The theme is Latin Week. How in the world is this woman going to help anyone with singing? Could she give a seminar on having a perfectly round behind though? Perhaps so. This should be interesting. The show opens with the contestants meeting J-Lo during her rehearsal. Rehearsal for what? Please, please tell me that she is going on a concert tour. That would be just about the funniest thing ever.

First up was Melinda. She did a song called "Sway". I wouldn't have chosen that song for her because it didn't really showcase her abilities, but she did well with it. Simon rightfully said it made her seem older. Well, she's gone. Next was Lakisha. Jennifer helped her with her movements. Now, that she knows about. She did "Conga", an excellent choice. Nice dress. She showed flare and personality that she hadn't showcased before. Randy thought it was good; Paula and Simon said it was a "safe" choice. They're laying the groundwork. Lakisha and Melinda are both going home this week.

Timberlake chose "Smooth" by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. It was dreadful. OMG The judges loved it. Paula said it was "hot". I need to stop watching this show. Jennifer worked with Haley on "Turn The Beat Around". Oh, Gloria Estefan remade it so I guess it qualifies as Latin. They brought Blake on to do some beatboxing in the rehearsal. I think I'm going to be sick. Haley came out in her little sister's booty shorts. Have you no shame? Go with what got you there, I guess. It couldn't be more obvious. The performance was brutal. Finally, even Simon told her that the only chance she has is to wear as few clothes as possible. Believe me, she already knew that. She should be on the block. I mean literally. She she be on the street corner with that outfit.

Creepy Phil is next. He did Santana's "Maria Maria". It was not hittin'. I am walking out if the judges like this. Randy and Simon said there was no passion and nothing to get excited about it. Paula said it was a good vocal. We'll of course ignore her. I can stay. I can remember a long time ago when I used to enjoy this show.

Jordin chose "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You". Has there been a song tonight that wasn't done by Gloria Estefan or Santana? It was an okay performance. Paula said she was adorable. Simon thought it was just okay, as I did. Blake did a song by Mark Anthony, Jennifer's husband. Kiss ass..................Is it over. I dozed off. The judges ate it up. I apparently have a different feed of the show coming into the House of Hollywood.

Last and certainly least, it's Sanjaya. He resembled a drowned rat. Unfortunately, he didn't do "She Bangs" like ew.com had suggested. That would have shot him into the stratosphere. He did a song which wasn't all that bad, which is the worse thing that could have happened to him. If my earlier prediction doesn't come true, it's Phil or Haley who will leave this week. Oh man, Jennifer Lopez is performing live tomorrow. Lord help us all.

You ARE The Father!

Finally, I have some closure to this situation and I can move on with my life.

Weekend Wrap-Up

I am finally recovering from last week's WrestleMania festivities. You would have thought that I had actually wrestled on the show. I'm finally getting back on track. It was actually a really good show. The best matches were The Money in the Bank match (won by Mr. Kennedy), John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels, and surprisingly The Undertaker vs. Batista. The best food? Pick 'em. The Vince/Trump haircut spectacle was done very effectively. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin did great and he performed just like the good old days. WWE owner Vince McMahon did get all of his hair cut off and is looking pretty goofy.

Speaking of haircuts, it has been reported that Halle Berry will be shaving her head for an upcoming movie role. The name of the movie is supposedly called Nappily Ever After, which sounds like a surefire flop. C'mon woman, it didn't work for Britney and it ain't gonna work for you. Ladies be smart about it; if you're going to cut your hair, at least get a surefire payday out of it like Vince. Aw, you just hate to see it.

The rumors are true; some of your favorite chickenheads and skanks will be returning to VH-1 next week with the series premiere of Flavor of Love: Charm School. The show will be hosted by Mo'nique, as 13 former Flavor of Love contestants will go to charm school then get placed in situations which may test their patience. Someone will get voted off each week. The most well mannered hoochie will be the winner. This is Appointment Television if there ever was. On top of that, it is also rumored that the cast of MTV's Real World: Las Vegas will be reuniting for a six-episode series this year. The Las Vegas cast was perhaps the wildest ever and ushered in the era of every cast member looking like a model and sleeping with everyone in the first episode. Things haven't been the same since. It will be great to see them together again. How in the world did Trishelle have time to fit this into her schedule?

Probably the funniest thing I saw this week was Alanis Morissette's parody of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" video. I didn't even know she was still around. I hadn't heard about her since "Ironic". This is by far the funniest thing she's done since "You Can't Do That On TV".

- The New Home of The Karma.

We are less than a week away from what could be the highlight of the year: Total Nonstop Action's fanfest here in St. Louis. This is like a wrestling nerd's dream. Merchandise, a Q & A, and forty wrestling superstars in an autograph session at the Airport Hilton. If I'm lucky, I might even get to meet Ms. Brooks (above). I've been doing sit-ups to prepare for this. Maybe I should bake her a bundt cake or something. Regardless, it should be an interesting weekend with the fanfest and the live pay-per-view show the next day. I imagine you might see a post or two about it on this very page at some point.

Congratulations, Ladies!

I gotta give a shout-out to Halle Berry who received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. Granted, I haven't seen one of her movies since Boomerang in 1992, but hey, I'm busy. Good work, woman, you deserve it!

Also, congratulations to Scary Spice (far left, screaming like a maniac) who gave birth to a baby girl yesterday. Does she know for sure who the babydaddy is? Of course not. She claims that Eddie Murphy is the father. They need to take this to the Maury Povich Show. After Maury reads "Eddie, you are not the father!" we can all giggle as she runs backstage humiliated as Eddie high fives the crowd and breaks into The Cabbage Patch and The Running Man. Oh, that poor kid.

Random Thoughts During American Idol

On the heels of Stefani Week, it's Tony Bennett's turn to help the kids. It's Swing Week. This should be disasterous. Things get rolling with Beatbox Guy. I can tell Tony hates him. BG did "Mack The Knife". I loathed it. What else is new? Next was Phil. He said Tony was his hero. He did a decent job on his song. Paula said he was like a young Frank Sinatra. What planet is this woman on? Randy and Simon critcized him for not connecting and he blamed it on the fact that he was thinking of his wife. Who is he, Doug Christie?

This was followed by Melinda. She blew it out of the arena with "I Got Rhythm". No gimmicks needed: no fake mohawks, no short skirts, no whiteboy rap-- just excellent singing. She looked the best she has all competition too. The judges loved it.

Timberlake tried to tackle a Duke Ellington song. It was better than I thought (yes, only the finest, most in-depth analysis here at Hollywood Nation). The judges kind of liked it. Simon said it was one of the better performances of the night. Faint praise because only three people went before him. Jordin was after that. She dwarfed poor Tony. I wonder if he tried to get those digits. Her song was decent. The judges approved.

After the break, it was Rock Girl. She did a song called "Smile" and it was good but forgettable. Paula said she was flawless. Break out the straightjacket. Simon said she was behind the other two girls, which Paula vigorously disagreed with. So was she saying that The Rock Girl was better than Melinda? Shut up, Paula.

Next up was the star, Sanjaya. His entire persona is like fingernails scratching down the chalkboard. He was in a white suit with slicked back hair. If you missed it, it will be repeated about 400 times this week. His vocals were weak as usual. I heard better singing during my high school production of "Bye Bye Birdie". * He danced out in the crowd. Then two of my least favorite things were combined: 1) Sanjaya and 2) Paula dancing. Paula and Randy said he was a great entertainer. Yeah, Tom Jones is about to be run out of business. It should be noted that none of the judges mentioned his singing. Hopefully this performance was bland enough that America will move on to the next trend, like swallowing goldfish or something so this will be this clown's last week.

This was followed by Haley and "Ain't Misbehaven". She had on a low cut, short dress. I'm as shocked as you are. This yamp knows that if she stays covered, she's gone. She wasn't quite ready for that song. Paula had the great insight that she looked good in green. Randy and Paula didn't talk about her singing. Simon said she had great legs but dissed her. I bet next time the girl will be in a halter top and booty shorts if she survives this week.

Then it was Lakisha to close out the show. She turned the joint out with "Stormy Weather". She looked great. It's a two person race again. I'm guessing Phil goes home, but it should be Sanjaya.

* You know damn well I did not actually attend my high school production of "Bye Bye Birdie". I'm too cool for that.